Traveling Woes
Dear people traveling by plane,
I decided to do like one of my favorite magazines, Glamour, and make a list of DO’s and DON’T’s for you guys… since it has become VERY clear to me that most of you are in the dark on how to travel…. and be decent human beings.
DO: Shower. It’s easy. If it’s an early flight, shower the night before. At the very least wash down a little with a wash cloth. Slap on some deodarant (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…this part is VITAL), dab on a LITTLE perfume/cologne and head out the door. It’s easy and not time consuming.
DONT: Take off your shoes. Really?? Is this your living room or is it public flight with 100 other people?!?! It’s one thing if you have flip flops on in the summer and they kinda slide off… it is QUITE another when you have on gross yellow (used to be white) sweaty socks with sneakers that you’ve kicked off. Why should I have to smell that? Why should anyone on the plane? Get it together.
DO: Check in online if you are flying southwest and want a certain seat.
DONT: not check in online, come in last on the plane and ask me to move so you can sit with your husband/daughter/whoever. This puts me in an awkward position. If I don’t move I have a pissy person next to me who will keep turning around and talking to her husband who she just CANNOT live without for 2.5 hours on a flight. if I move, I’m in a middle seat. I DID check in online and wanted an aisle seat b/c I have to pee a lot during flights. If you are traveling with more than one person WHY WOULDNT YOU CHECK IN ONLINE?!?! Especially when there isnt’ assigned seating. Which reminds me, if you’re stupid enough not to think to check in online, DONT ask someone else who was much smarter than you and DID check in online to move. It’s rude.
DO: Wear normal clothes. Not fleece pajama pants. We are not in your bedroom. The rest of us got up and put on clothes and look normal. Why couldn’t you? If you are over the age of 7, pajamas on a plane is innapropriate. And while we are it no exercise clothes. Are you going to start doing sprints down the aisles and doing crunches in your seats? Probably not. Yoga pants=for yoga… nothing else.
DONT: wear a turban on a plane. Self-explanatory.
DO: Give your child a valium. Kids are the worst on planes. I mean, they’re already kinda annoying, then when they start screeching, it’s unbearable. Drug them. Please. If you MUST take them with you, it’s the kindest thing to do for the rest of us on the plane. If you’re against drugging your child, put a little whiskey in their bottle. Never hurt anyone. While we’re at it. Please stop your child from staring at me. This forces me to do one of the following:1. Ignore a kid… which makes me feel rude and I can still feel them staring. 2. Make stupid faces at them… I feel stupid doing them and the dumb kid never tires of it. It’s annoying. Tell your creepy kid to stop looking at me. This is a chance for a good life lesson: STARING IS RUDE!
DONT: Start talking to me when I’m reading/trying to sleep/listening to my ipod, or not looking at you. Take the hint: I’m not interested in talking to you. If I nod and smile and say hello when I sit down, it’s just because I’m a decent person. It’s not because I want to know if you’re from where you’re flying to or from. I don’t want to know why you’re going there/who you’re visiting, or anything else. And I don’t want to tell you all about my business when you ask. Let’s face facts, I’ll never see or hear from you again, so let’s just skip all the formalities and let me get on with what I was doing before I was interrupted by YOU.
DO: Purchase 2 seats if you can’t fit into one. I know, I know, this sounds harsh and is probabaly not very “politically correct” to say. However, if YOU had to sit between 2 people who BOTH should have bought 2 seats for themselves and they BOTH insisted on putting up the arm rests cause “it’s much more comfortable” (hint: couldn’t fit in the seat if arm rests weren’t up) and you left the plane with sweat marks down both your legs from their excess….weight… you wouldn’t be happy and would want people to abide by this rule. Do I think they should make airplane seats bigger? YES! Absolutely! But until they do… at LEAST buy first class. Or complain to the airline. Don’t punish me, I didn’t do anything.
Now, if you all abide by these common laws, I think flying will be a much better experience for everyone involved. Thank you in advance for your cooperation!
Flying can be fun,
Jessica
PS. I drank 2 diet cokes while writing this 
Ohh Diet Coke
My dearest Diet Coke,
Our torrid love affair began many years ago. And like many affairs, it started when people kept telling me how BAD you are for me. That just made me thirst for you ALL THE MORE. I made a promise to began having you everyday. At least once a day. It’s been 12 years and I haven’t regretted it ONCE.
There have been many a time when people have urged me to give you up, told me you’re bad for me. He’ll make you fat (dont care), he causes you to eat more sweets (so???), and he’s just not good for you. But I ask this, how can something that gives me so much pleasure REALLY be that bad? That first year or 2 it started as just once a day. However, now sometimes I’ll have you up to 5 or 6 times a day! WOOO! It’s never really enough.
I don’t know if I can even describe that first sip of pure goodness. In 12 years your taste has never once diminished and has always satisfied me completely. Like most love affairs, I truly feel like I can’t live one day without you. In fact, I don’t even want to try. You make me feel alive when I’m done with you. I feel awake and ready to take on the world. So please, diet coke, don’t ever leave me. Sometimes restaraunts leave me without the option of having you, and they ask if I want *shudder* a diet PEPSI. Don’t worry, I would NEVER EVER cheat on you!!! Diet Pepsi makes me want to vomit. In fact, I won’t even have the less attractive and appealing sprite in your place. Because, diet coke, nothing satisfies me the way YOU do. I love you and am going to go have you now.
Your lover,
Jess
PS. (Did this sound slightly sexual?!?!?)
Facebook status updates!!!
Dear election facebook status updates,
You are hysterical. I get giddy with glee when I read you. I love when people think you will change the outcome of the election or change people’s minds. You won’t. You didn’t. And you will continue not to. But I like how the users of you continue to think you will. Their blinding faith in you is somewhat touching.
You are fun. I like to update you into controversial things so people argue with me and send me hate mail and leave me rude messages on things. People get CRANKY during this time. You HAVE done something good for me though… you made me make up my mind about which party is more annoying. And REPUBLICANS YOU WIN!!!!!!… THIS TIME!!! We’ll see who wins in the next election!! I think the democrats can catch up, we’ll see To be fair, most of my “facebook friends” are republicans (with annoying statuses)… so maybe that is why.
But most people are glad it’s over so you, political update statuses, go away. However, I am not. You amused me to no end, helped me pick pointless fights just for fighting’s sake, and got everyone’s panties all in a bunch. For these reasons I love you and will miss you immensely for the next 4 years!! Hopefully you will last at least another week then make a strong return around January 20th for some “post Christmas election humor.” HOWEVER, according to one of you guys, you’re praying for the rapture to come before then! hahahahaha. That was a good one.
What i think is soooo nice about you is the people “praying” for Obama to crash and burn. Forget that this is at the expense of our economy and countless people’s jobs… I hope YOU get your vengence!!! I mean, YOU DESERVE IT!
I’ll be somewhat bored when you start reflecting what people are actually doing instead of showing their views. I mean, I don’t care if you’re at school or work… I DO care that you “are a christian and support killing unborn babies! Go Obama! (saracasm anyone)”. These are MUCH more fun to read, and let’s face it, much more offensive!! You were fun while you lasted.
Hoping to see you again soon,
Jessica
Love/Hate Letters
Dear NYC,
I love and adore you. I will be visiting again shortly and hopefully moving to you by the end of the year. So if you could help me out and make sure there’s a job there for me as well as a place to live that I can afford I would greatly appreciate it. Also, get ready for my arrival as I will be extremely excited and going out A LOT. I’d also appreciate a non-creepy roommate so I can afford my rent.
Thanks NYC! Hope you can get all this done for me cause I really do love you a lot and want to move to you. I will also be closer to my brother and cousins and the minis I love. This would make me happy!!
Love you,
Jess
Dear Republicans and Democrats,
You are both equally annoying and I hate both of you equally. I’m not sure which party I am more annoyed with. This has ZERO to do with the candidates is the funny thing. I think they both look like nice guys. Everyone who knows me knows how I love old people so much, so naturally I adore McCain. And I like Palin ONLY because she looks like Tina Fey (but I also hate her because I wanted to be Tina Fey for halloween, but everyone would think I was being stupid Palin…. ruined my whole costume!!!). And Obama seems like a kewl guy and e-mailed me back when I e-mailed him… and i KNOW it wasn’t from him “technically” but it seemed like it was and I loved it. Plus he’s my senator and I feel like that’s nice.
So I literally cannot wait until this stupid election is over and everyone keeps their opinions to themselves. I think it’s great our country can vote and elect it’s own leaders, i really do. however that also means everyone spouts of their opinions. So I think the best way to vote is to vote for the party who annoys me the least. That way I can use my vote against the party that is annoying me… HAHA the ultimate revenge. SOoo…. which party is the most annoying? YOU BOTH WIN! Too many celebrities like you, democrats, and that annoys me because celebrities are annoying and, let’s face it… kinda vain and stupid. Also you LIKED McCain when he was behind in the republican race but NOW you act like he is “just like Bush”. I remember many of you saying, “John McCain isn’t that bad, I like him.” MY MY MY, how the tables have turned since he actually got the republican nomination! THAT is annoying!
Republicans, you act like the entire world will cease to exist and blow up if Obama is elected. Which is just not true. ALSO, Obama is not a terrorist. Turn off 24 and start living in the real world. He’s a nice guy. And his wife dresses very cute. You also act like anyone who is a democrat hates God or is just voting that way to be cool. Which isn’t true AND YOU KNOW IT Republicans! So quit being so stupid.
So, as you can see, we’re at a standstill. What’s it gonna be? Probably neither!
Apathetic,
Jessica
PS Sorry I told people I’d never get political…. but I don’t feel like this is really that political…. just wanting this election to be over already! Plus I didn’t lean one way or the other on my opinions
I’m TOTALLY a size 4!!!
Dear male H&M employee (the one on Michigan Ave),
You made my entire week with a few simple words. As I was checking out a dress in your hand you were putting back, you said, “Oh look, we have it in your size, here’s a 4!!” I feel like the world stopped at that moment. You can imagine my elation. Yeah, I’m not an 8 in H&M, I’m a 4!!! You totally cut my size in HALF! I felt like a skinny supermodel that I pretend to hate, but I was secretly excited. WELL… actually not secretly, since I screeched, “Oh my God, I love you”. Then gave you a big hug. I also proceeded to walk around H&M saying very loudly, “I’m a size 4…. size 4’s can wear this, and THAT is what I am.”
I am not in ANY way, shape, or form a size 4. I want everyone to know that. And I’m cool with that. I’m actually borderline cocky about myself. I think I’m totally fabulous and love every curve of my body. I adore when my butt looks big (which is why I purchased the adorable sweater dress…. size 8, thank you!). But what I love, is that even though I am not a size 4…. you THINK I am a size 4. And isn’t that what REALLY matters??? I now feel like I can continue to chow because I LOOK like a size 4. Who even cares what size I really am? NOT ME!
If this was a plan to make me buy something…. brilliant. I don’t even care if it was cause I was so happy. I don’t know of any girls who dont like to be told they are thinner (or younger for that matter) than they are. And you did that for me. And I love you. You should totally win best sales associate of the year. Thanks for making my week and making me feel more fabulous than I already do! And this after I just chowed on 10 cent wings (really, 10 cents!!! The Rail in Chicago on Monday nights, check it out, best deal EVER).
Your skinny size 4 friend,
Jessica
Twitter? Huh???
Dear Twitter,
I don’t know who you are or what you do. Who are you? Why are you used? Why are you called Twitter? You are confusing to me. At first, I didn’t want to say anything since all the cool blog kids know who are you, what you do, and how to use you. I didn’t want to seem uncool or like I don’t fit in. But tonight I thought, “The jig is up…. WHAT ARE YOU TWITTER??!?!!?”
I know a few things about you: 1. I like your name, it makes me giggle. Mostly because if you remove the “w” you become titter, and THAT is funny. 2. You are used on people’s websites to “update” what they are doing. I keep seeing these words: via twitter. How do I get a twitter? Can anyone have one? Is a twitter a perverted body part? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
How come everyone else knows you, twitter, and I have no idea?!?! I’m tired of pretending. I’ll be honest, at first I thought you were a thing only used on iphones and I automatically hated you. Now I feel bad, because my beloved cousins Amy and Meade (if I knew how to make a link to their website just by posting their names I totally would… but just go to the side and hit “doxxa” that’s them) also had those words “via twitter” on their facebook AND their website, and they don’t have an iphone!! It’s not just Art (same problem as before… he’s the long name under Doxxa) who has an iphone. THEN I saw LIZZY (once again… the last name) had Via Twitter on her status update (again no iphone). WHY CAN’T I USE VIA TWITTER?!?! I feel like you are some club I don’t know about. It hurts my feelings. I want to be invited to a “via twitter” event.
The other thing is, I’m FAIRLY positive Meade explained to Artie about you while I was sitting in the living room. BUT how was I to know I should pay attention to you and not play bejeweled on my computer? I only laughed at the name in my head then didn’t listen. Now I wish I did. Because I still have no idea what you are and I feel left out. I wish I was cool enough to hang out with you twitter. Until then, I’ll just be laughing at your name and wondering what you are and how I can get one of you.
Via,
Jessica
PETA has reached a new level of stupidity
This is from wnbc.com:
VERMONT — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.
“PETA’s request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow’s milk in the food he serves,” the statement says.
PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.
“The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn’t make sense,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.”
In a statement Ben and Jerry’s said, “We applaud PETA’s novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother’s milk is best used for her child.”
I’m not even sure how to start. Breast milk??? For ice cream? I would NEVER EVER EVER eat ice cream again, I really wouldn’t. That’s sick and gross. And do COWS a big favor? SINCE WHEN DO COWS NEED A FAVOR???? THEY ARE COWS!!!!! They don’t ask for favors! You know why? BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SPEAK. THEY ARE ANIMALS. They are not capable of that kind of “thought process” or even having those kind of emotions, because they are FREAKING COWS.
OH PETA. Man, it seems like anybody could work for the marketing for this “company”. I also love how they say humans drinking milk meant for baby cows doesn’t make sense. REALLY PETA??? Cause it’s worked for literally thousands of years…. why does it all of the sudden NOT MAKE SENSE???? YOU do not make sense.
I appreciate Ben and Jerry’s having the common knowledge to say NO to this (and in such a pleasant way… bravo Ben & Jerry’s!) I can now continue to have ice cream without worrying about the milk used in it having been squeezed out of some random women’s breast…. SICK.
BOOOOO Kenley!!
Dear Kenley from Project Runway,
Who in the hell do you think you are?!?! I’d like to know, because I am CONFUSED. Ok, ok, I’m getting worked up… let’s start from the beginning.
Kenley, when Project Runay began, I adored you. I love your personal style. You’re pale, and I LOVE pale girls who rock it out, because I am pale. You have gorgeous chesnut hair and always pop that cute little red lip. Your style is so adorable 40’s, I was L-O-V-I-N-G you!!! PLUS your designs were awesome, for sure some of the best. It only helped that your cute style was unique and very YOU.
THEN…. you got a little sassy…. and not in the fun, gay way Christian was sassy. In a “uhhhhh… whhhhhhhhhaaaatttt?” kinda way. I thought… “well it’s just got to be this one episode, sure she laughs at other people, but at least she’s doing it to their faces.” And you were still desiging super cute outfits, so how could I hate you when other designers (I mean YOU Blayne and Suede) were designing crap, but were clearly there cause they had “personalities”.
But these past two weeks you have done the UNTHINKABLE…. you questioned and disregarded THE GUNN. For those of you who don’t know who I am talking about… you should be ashamed. Tim Gunn, my fashion hero. Most people know about my love of Tim Gunn. I love every second of Project Runway when he’s in it. I literally don’t understand half of the words he uses, but I love it. TIM GUNN IS ALWAYS ALWAYS RIGHT!!! COME ON Kenley!! This is what, the 5th season of Project Runway? Did you not watch it before you applied?!?! Tim Gunn has NEVER been wrong about ANY outfit in the ENTIRE history of Project Runway. Which brings me back to the beginning… who on EARTH do you think you are??? NOT TIM GUNN! And not only did you not listen… you talked back to him, SASSED him, then MADE FUN of him!!
I don’t even know what to think. I wanted YOU to go home over SUEDE. I don’t know if you can appreciate the impact of that statement. I could not stand Suede. He designed one cute thing the entire time… ONE… and it actually wasnt even all that cute. He talked in third person… WHO DOES THAT?!?! But he was too stupid to keep it up! He’d start the sentence “Suede thinks this week will rock. I am going to do awesome.” If you’re going to be an idiot and speak in 3rd person, at least commit and do it 100% of the time. Keeping ALL OF THAT in mind, I still wanted you to go home. You said, “Ummm I think I know more about hip-hop than Tim Gunn.” Clearly, you didn’t. I would rather go outside in my underwear than wear those high-waisted monstrosities you created. And adding gold earrings and necklaces… NOT HIP HOP. Then you tried to blame poor Leanne. I mean… OBVIOUSLY she isn’t hip-hop and couldn’t act hip hop for any amount of money. She is an adorably dweeby white girl. The opposite of anything hip-hop. Just like you’re not pop, but you looked it cause Jerrell created you a GOOD outfit.
Now, you were safe this week. Next week I think you should LISTEN TO TIM GUNN! You’ve been in the botom 2 weeks in a row because you wouldn’t listen to him when he told you EXACTLY what the judges ended up critiquing you on. Don’t ever question or mess with The Gunn. He knows best… ALWAYS. I mean, have you EVER seen him look anything less than impeccable? NO!!!! He’s on 2 TV shows and is the creative director for Liz Claiborne… he KNOWS more than you sweet cheeks!
Bring back the old Kenley. The one who doesn’t act like a bratty 13 year old who is going to do her own thing regardless of someone TRYING TO HELP YOU!!! You listen to Tim, you make the final 3… as simple as that. Don’t talk back, just do what he says. That’s the formula of the show. Think about it.
Love,
Jessica, Tim Gunn’s #1 fan!
An ode to my beautiful acrylic nails
Dear acrylic nails,
You are gorgeous. I love you. You make my regular nails look beautiful!! I enjoy getting you for many different reasons.
One, my nails never grow, are too thin, and I for some reason cannot paint nails. Really, I can’t. It’s so easy, some guys can even do this. But I’ve never been able to simply paint my nails, and if I do they chip and look ugly. This was a problem, until you came along, acrylic nails. You’ve saved me from having to paint my own nails, ugly chips, and extremely short nails.
Two, I totally bite my nails. I can’t bite through you acrylic nails, so it works in my favor. I don’t bite my nails to death and they dont look ugly! Win-Win (win)
Three, I like getting my nails done, it’s relaxing and fun. I don’t have a lot of money to do things for myself, but since you, my friends, aren’t too expensive, I can get you and have an hour or so to relax and chat with the wonderful ladies who do my nails.
Four, with my normal nails I have this uncontrollable (really, I’ve tried to control it, I can’t), subconcious thing where I pick at the skin around my nails until it bleeds. BUT since you guys are a lot thicker I can’t do this and now I dont need 10 bandaids and my fingers don’t hurt all the time!!
Five, you are just SO pretty. AND I can get OPI nail polish put on instead of buying it (it can be a little pricey). You look almost natural and that’s what I like about you. Plus at the place I go to they have movies playing while I get my nails done. I’d never go see or rent Hairspray… but thanks to Nail Love, I’ve now seen it AND enjoyed it
So thanks for your beauty, durabilty, and hour of relaxation you give me twice a month. I appreciate it and I appreciate YOU!
Not ashamed of fake nails,
Jessica 
P.S. This is dedicated to Valuna… love ya girl!!!!
