Dear Life,

So my adorable awesome sister sent me a card (via mom) that when you open it sings “I will survive” by my girl Aretha.  Which, by the way, I think has gotten MANY a woman through rough breakups

Inside this card she wrote 5 Boulet rules to live by.  And they made me laugh so much I thought I would share them really quick.  Before I start, I need to say that both my sister and I have extremely high self-esteems and think we’re awesome.  That sounds cocky… and it probably is but IT’S STILL TRUE!  So we like to joke (well we tell people we’re joking… we’re really serious) about how fabulous we are.  That may explain these:

1. You always look amazing
2. You are always the prettiest girl in every room
3. You don’t walk…. you STRUT
4. You always hold your head up high… and we are not ditzy, we are brilliant
5. We are always funny, NO MATTER WHAT!

Ahhhh this killed me to no end.  I don’t think anyone else really gets our “we’re awesome and hot” jokes.  But what’s important is that WE do and WE think it’s hilarious :)  The funny thing is I got her a card thing that I’m sending home with my momma for her birthday that says, “We put the US in fabulous!”.   I love my sister, she is so funny and SO cute and has the best hair EVER. 

I just wanted to share because this was so funny to me.  And to also remind everyone to have good self-esteems because God created us ALL FABULOUS

Sooo I was told by one of my friends that my blogs were the “saddest things I’ve ever read, especially since you’re such a happy person.”  (Hey Bri!  Thanks ).  Soooo I decided I’m going to be more happy.  And i honestly am happy.  The thing is, I’m always happy, I kinda feel like I HAVE to be.  I don’t like being sad or being mean, so naturally I CHOOSE to be happy.  Because I do think it’s something you choose, not something you are.  So if you’re sad and mean, you’re totally just choosing to be that way.  Which is sad in itself. 

SO happy thoughts!  I’m doing really well.  I REALLY AM.  I know it sounds like I’m doing awful, but I’m really not.  I laugh just as much, I hang out with my friends just as much, and I say just as many stupid off the wall things.  I mean, I’ve been through this before, and I’ve gotten through it fine and now we’re friends and it’s all good.  It was literally heart-wrenching and hideous for a long time, but now its ok.  And thinking about that gives me hope and makes me more OK.  haha I read back over my blogs and they are sad.  haha SORRY KIDS

I have to insert here that I just don’t like Sayesha from American Idol.  She’s good and all, but i just think she’s annoying and hope she gets kicked off… even though she did good.  I was SO happy today for this one reason: I got my new In Style magazine today!!!  The BEST gifts are magazine subscriptions in my opinion.  Because EVERY month I get SOOO excited it’s like getting a new gift!  Christmas every month!!  WEEEE!!

So Ruthie baby (my momma) is coming in this weekend!  YEAH!  And we’re going to see…. WICKED of course!  I love this musical SO much, almost as much as I love Cubs games (but not quite, GO CUBS GO!).  But seriously, if anyone ever wants to go to a Cubs game, let me know, I am ALWAYS down for going to Wrigley!!  So today I kept thinking about how much I love my pretty city.  I know I always say this, and it’s because I REALLY REALLY do!  I don’t know if I can still call it a “love affair” because I’m not dating anyone now.  BUT I guess you can only have an affair if you’re married, so I’m still gonna call it one because it sounds more fun.  My new favorite author, Jen Lancaster, at the end of her book talked about why she loved Chicago and I LOVED how she put it :
” I realize Chicago is  great city not because it’s glamorous, but because it’s REAL… People come from all over the world to live here, and each of them firs right in without missing a step.  The beauty of this city is not that it’s exclusive, but that’s it’s inclusive.”

I love this city and I love that I live here.  I still want to travel and live in Italy for a while, but probably not as soon as August, haha which I realized was quite sudden.  Plus I just really love it here so much.  I almost don’t have any idea why anyone would want to live anywhere else.  Plus we have the Cubs!  (screw the white sox!  Boo south side!)  And DA BEARS.  And you can get fat here if you want and no one will even blink, I mean think of DA BEARS Saturday night live skit… try and say that about Los Angeles or even NYC, you can’t!!  So thanks Chicago, you’re awesome. 

I actually went on a nice little walk tonight with my roommate up to Lincoln Square (which made me pose this question about 10 times… “why don’t we hang out here more often it is SO cute?!?!”  IT IS!).  It was GLORIOUS out tonight and we got cold stone ice cream!  yay!  But it was so nice and so pretty and I love Chicago this time of year!!  And I am GOING to hang out in Lincoln Square more cause it’s SO nice!!

I’d also like to say I’ve fallen in love again.  It was quite sudden.  I should also mention at this point I’ve never met this man.  But that doesn’t make my love any less real.  His name is Matt and he is on beauty and the geek.  He has the thickest glasses I’ve ever seen in my life that they didn’t remove in the makeover (which I LOVED!!).  He is the SWEETEST angel.  I mean he loves to snuggle, he’s so adorably dweeby I want to die.  But some hoe is getting all up on him in this next episode and I am NOT HAVING IT!  He is MINE

Ok more wonderful book reviews:

Bright Lights, Big Ass  by: Jen Lancaster A+

I loved this one too, of course.  This lady is hysterical.  Her books are just her thoughts basically and what happens in her life, which is so funny because she is so funny.  I can’t wait to meet her!  I’m already planning an outfit, THAT is how excited I am :)   I also insisted on reading at lest 4 parts of her book out loud to my roommate and I was laughing so hard it took me about 10 minutes to read 2 pages.  Let’s just say it included the phrase “reach around” and her mom.  Classic.

A Thousand Splendid Suns By: Khaled Hosseini A+

Even better than The Kite Runner.  I loved it so much.  I can’t even begin to think about it or I will cry.  I think I actually screamed out loud during this book and cried when something happened because I felt their pain THAT much!!  This time the story is of two woman and how they very unlikely become the greatest of friends in such an awful horrendous situation.  Read it now.

Pillars of the Earth- Ken Follett- A

I know, I know this was in Oprah’s book club which makes some people hate on it.  But let’s face the facts people, it’s an EXCELLENT book.  It’s SO wonderfully long (I LOVE long books because I can’t EVER read enough and I get so attached to the characters I want to read about them for days, but I usually finish books in like one day, but this one took me about 4 days!  Woo-hoo!).  There’s about 1.000 characters in it and you don’t have ANY idea what the prologue is about until the very end!  I was confused for a little bit because it’s written about a time period a long time ago (forget the exact time period, sorry).  But it is very good!  I should also say that one night I decided to “read just for a little bit before bed”  2 things you must know about me immediately are: 1.  I don’t sleep well AT all…. EVER.  2.  Sleeping does not make me tired IN THE LEAST!…. ok so moving on.  I started to read at about 11:30, then what i thought was a little while later, I checked the clock.  It was 5:50 AM.  And I didn’t even realize I’d been reading the book for 6 hours.  THAT is how awesome this book is!

Wicked by Gregory Maguire: C

Go see the musical instead, it’s about 9,000 times better.  That being said let’s talk about the book.  It starts out SOOOOOO slow.  I literally had to FORCE myself to read it.  Maguire writes really intensely and really raw.  There’s A LOT of sex (not romance book sex, like weird sex no one wants to think about EVER) in this book… which is funny b/c the musical is SO family friendly and awesome.  Also it was confusing.  I read one chapter of the book seriously 5 times and was so frustrated bc I didn’t get it still, so I continued reading.  But at the end, I did like it OK.  I didn’t love it but it helped me understand the characters better when I saw the musical.  Don’t read it unless you don’t have anything else to read and have time to read each chapter twice.  It took me like 3 weeks to read it, and it usually never takes me more than 2 days to read a book… so yeah not that great, but not awful either.

The Devil Wears Prada by: Lauren Weisberger: A

So great.  SOOOO much better than the movie (as books usually are).  but I do have to say the movie was pretty good, but the book is still SOOO much better.  They go into MUCH more depth about her dive into this fashion assistant world and in the movie they completely cut out her family and Lily!  I mean they’re in a few scenes but they are HUGE aspects in the book.  Plus the ending in the book is PERFECT.  I mean when it ended I thought… wow what a perfect ending, I love it.  The ending to the movie was OK.  But if you like to read books that are pretty easy reads but still have a cute moral to it, then go for it.  It’s not for everyone.  Artie and Meade will not appreciate this.  Liz you will! 

Ok well I hope I’m being happier for everyone :)  I really am doing well and moving on pretty well.  I also want to see Baby’s Momma, The sarah marshall movie, and made of honor.  So if anyone will be in the Chicagoland area and wants to see one of these call me!  Or else I’ll just read more books!

It’s been two weeks now!  I’m doing a lot better than when I wrote my last post.  There was a few days when I was ready to call.  Or at least text and then call.  I mean I wrote out the text, but I couldn’t send it.  This is when my stubbornness actually works for me.  Since we told each other we weren’t going to talk and I told some of my friends, I just CANNOT call him.  Even though I wanted to SOOOOO much (I can’t stress enough how much I wanted to call).  *DISTRACTION* Crunch-less abs looks AWESOME… there’s a commercial about it now.  I won’t buy it cause I won’t use it… but still it looks awesome.  *BACK TO NORMAL* So anyway… I could not for the life of me make myself send that text or make myself call him.  And I was upset because I want to talk to him.  BUT THEN I was talking to one of my guy friends who recently just broke up with his girlfriend.  And she kept calling and crying and saying, “I need to talk to you.”  And it just sounded so sad.  And I don’t want to be sad.

I also think it would be incredibly selfish of me to call him.  He’s trying to move on too.  It would be extremely inconsiderate and rude of me to call.  Earlier this week it was KILLING me to know how and what he was doing, and if he’s dating already.  NOW I’ve started thinking… ok, so what if he is dating again?  I said I wanted him to be happy… well I guess I should prove it.  It would be awful of me to call just to make myself feel better and prolong the entire “getting over it” process for BOTH of us.  I’m glad I didn’t call.  I do miss him.  But I kind of got over that hump where it seems like the worst thing in the world not talking to him or knowing what he is doing.  It’s like I got a mini-glimpse into the future where it stopped hurting and where I don’t think about him 30 times a day and it’s just totally OK.  And I’m getting there.  One day at a time.  I love this song I was listening to today by Nichole Nordeman… Small enough.  It’s how I’ve been feeling… “

there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel’s den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

I can’t depend on anyone else.  It’s amazing to have such incredible friends who have been there for me and have made sure to call, text, email everyday since the break-up.  But I KNOW the reason (besides my stubborness and Jonny asking me everyday) that I haven’t called him is because I’ve known what I just said is true, that it would be selfish to call and do no good.  And now I just have to depend on God.  Which, if I can be honest…. which I CAN cause it’s MY blog, it’s hard for me to completely depend solely on Him.  It’s something I’m learning about more everyday and something God is obviously wanting me to learn.  That’s what I love about that song.  We sometimes ask God for these HUGE things, that’s when we commonly pray the most.  But right now, I don’t need anything big.  I don’t need a huge miracle.  I just need to feel loved and comforted.  That’s all I want and all I ask him for and I love the thought of GOD holding me when I’m crying.  It’s such a cool thing to think about

Anyway, I’m doing good and thought I’d be more happy in my writing.  I also decided I was going to “review” books I’ve read.  Mostly just so everyone thinks I’m really smart and read a lot… until you read the name of the books, haha.  No, but seriously, I love to read and sometimes I want to tell everyone I know to read a certain book because I’m so in love with it.  And then sometimes i want to tell people to please not waste any time on one because it made me want to tear my hair out from boredom, but I kept reading THINKING and HOPING it would get interesting, but it didn’t.  And I don’t want any of you making that mistake.  I’ll do a few each entry.  Before I start, one of my new most favorite authors, Jennifer Lancaster, lives in CHICAGO!!!  And she’s going to be at a Borders near my house on May 6th for a her new book release/signing/book reading.  I AM BEYOND EXCITED!!!!  It’s like what normal people must feel like when they go backstage at concerts, or get autographs from celebrities.  Jennifer Lancaster IS my celebrity and I am counting down the days!!!! (so naturally I’ll start with her book)

Bitter is the new Black by Jennifer Lancaster:  A+

Jennifer Lancaster is my HERO.  She is SOOO wonderfully mean and bitchy and it KILLS me.  This book it a memoir about how her and her boyfriend (Then fiancee then hubby all in one book) got really rich in the whole dotcom era then lost it all.  And how she literally could not get  job for TWO YEARS!  And basically about how mean she is and how she used to be a spoiled brat.  She is HYSTERICAL.  She has a blog…http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/.  Go to it.  And laugh.  She’s awesome.  I’m in the middle of reading her second book, bright lights, big ass, I’ll let ya know how it is when I’m done… tomorrow probably hehe

Water for Elephants by: Sara Gruen… B+

This one only got a B+ because I expected a LITTLE more at that end.  With that being said, I adored the book.  It was compelling and I felt the lead character’s pain SO much and wanted to buy an elephant at the end of reading it!  It tries to be a little more “tricky” or “suprising” then it actually is.  It is a beautiful story and a really easy read, but still makes you think.  It’s about a man working in a circus, how he got there, what he learned there and a lot about relationships.  I reccomend it pretty highly!

The Kite Runner by: Khaled Hosseini A++ (I give more than one plus when I love it this much… SO?)

Amazing.  I never want to see this movie and ruin how beautiful, moving, amazing, and emotional this book was for me to read.  I never expected anything that happened in this book to happen.  I cried at least 4 times during this book.  The characters are brilliant and you feel SO MANY different emotions because you can see everything from all the character’s point of view.  I KNOW this movie will be dissapointing, but I PROMISE the book is not.  I almost hate to read books that are so hyped just because I’m afraid they won’t live up to it.  This one did and it is excellent, so read it immediately.

Applause of Heaven by Max Lucado (love him) A+ (times a million)

This is my FAVORITE book of ALL TIME.  I actually need a new copy because I bought a paper back and I’ve read it SO MANY times that it’s just falling apart.  I can probably quote most of the chapters.  Interestingly, I still love it just as much as I did the first time I read it EVERYTIME I read it.  I also cry in basically every chapter EVERY time I read it.  It’s so great.  It’s about the beautitudes and he goes over them so wonderfully and in a new light.  For the first time I really understood that passage fully.  Read it.  It will change the way you think.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is (a little teaser for you guys… kinda like a movie trailor) :”…. when I am criticized, injured, or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me.  There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark.   EVER.  And that’s enough.”   Amazing.  I just teared up, haha of course I did.  I could put at least 50 more quotes, so just read it so I don’t have to!

ALSO please give me reccomendations of books to read.  I LOVE READING!   I bought 7 books this week.  I get excited to read and I read like some people overeat.  Too fast and then it’s all gone and I have nothing left :(   I’d love to know what you love and read it!  Except you Art, because I feel as though your books will give me a headache :) 

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“God will not let you go.  He has handcuffed himself to you in love.  And he owns the only key.  You need not win his love.  You already have it.  And since you can’t win it, you can’t lose it.” (Another great quote from Max Lucado in 3:16… great book, read it)

Sooo…. my blog thingies are kinda depressing, huh?  Well guess what people, I’m a little depressed, so DEAL WITH IT!!  :)  But anyway, I think it’s just really hitting me this week.  I keep feeling extremely anxious and I don’t know how to explain it really….. just weird. 

I guess I’ll explain it be reffering to Friends (haha of course I will).  WELL Dane and I have kinda been on again off again a little bit throughout the years (yes I AM comparing us to Ross and Rachel).  And every other time it’s happened in my mind I’ve thought…. oh we’ll get back together, or this is just a short separation.  Now I KNOW it’s not and I’m freaking out.  Ross and Rachel, we are not.  Even though I am adorable, fashionable, and have great hair and a killer bod like Rachel…. and he is smart, slightly dweeby, and very cute like Ross… we are not them!  And now that I definitly know we’re not getting back together ever, I’m totally freaking out. 

My logical mind KNOWS it’s going to be OK and in the long run, it’s probably better (I can’t say definitely yet, because I’m not 100% sure it is).  But, come on, since when have I been logical?  SINCE NEVER that’s when!  So, my emotional side takes over and I convince myself he’s completely over me and dating other people already and I freak out.  THEN when I start to think more rationally, I know I’m thinking that way BECAUSE OF HIM!  Because HE’S the one who always told me to be more rational!  So then I think of him again and get anxious AGAIN, it’s really quite the vicious cycle.  I don’t know how to not be with him.  I’ve been with him for so long, it’s just weird and makes me panicky.

So anyway, I feel like I’ve lost some love and a part of myself.  It’s just too hard.  To go from thinking you’ll marry someone to not even talking to them with no in between whatsoever.  I can’t do it, it’s too hard!!  And I know I shouldn’t be, but I feel totally offended, upset, and insulted that he hasn’t called me at all.  Yes, even though we agreed not to talk, I still feel this way.  I mean, he didn’t even save my new number and that makes me angry.  I had it for like 3 weeks before we broke up, which keeps making me think he just knew he wouldn’t need it.  I know he cares, but why doesn’t he call?  (cause you told him not to, you idiot… that’s the logical part kicking in).  It’s going to be hard for me to think when I eventually date someone again that they won’t do the same thing.  I KNOW I’ll never lose the love from my family no matter what I do.  But I never thought I’d lose him, like REALLY lose him.  So I’m struggling with thinking I’ll just start losing people who mean so much to me.

BUT I KNOW I deserve love (I think everyone does actually).  And someone who really really loves me.  I think my girl Carrie Bradshaw said it best, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”   Here’s hoping I’ll find it someday.  Someday when I stop crying and getting anxiety attacks over another guy.

Since I am so depressing I thought I’d write some things that are a little more happy:

• The students in my class are the sweetest little peas ever.  I know it’s only the second week, but they all seem like such good students and SO nice and pay attention and participate.  I’m glad I don’t have any trouble makers, I couldn’t handle it right now.
• I was feeling yucky and sad today then I stopped at trader joe’s to pick up some stuff and was upset (yes to the point of tears, haha I was emotional) that they didn’t have baking powder (you read that correctly).  So I go to ring out and I’m all pissy and the cutie grocery check out guy starting flirting with me, awwww.  I wanted to hug him but that would have been awkward for everyone involved.  But it put a smile on my face!
• I got a post card sent to me house from this angel of a sales lady at Arden B, Lauren.  She asked me about my ankle (which I told her about when I said I could only wear flats) and told me how cute I looked in the jeans and top I bought (I do look freaking adorable in them if I do say so myself… which I always do, haha).  And to come back soon.  WELL!  I wasn’t going to, BUT NOW I WILL.  Well done with building a client base, Lauren.  You rule!
• Andy let me make him an online dating profile, haha.  (I’m pretty sure he only did it cause I was so sad)  But he doesn’t have access to it, only I do.  SO I AM CONTROLLING HIS LOVE LIFE!!  HAHA!  So these girls message him and I read them and laugh a lot.  Girls online are funny.  And by funny, I mean desperate.  And not cute.  And use blurry pictures to try to hide that they aren’t cute.  Except for 3 girls who were SO adorable.
• So in conclusion, if you want me to smile, let me make you an online dating profile.  haha it’s easy, free, and fun.  Except, it’s not as easy as one would think.  It took us like a good hour and by the end it wasn’t as fun.  And to get the people who actually care about meeting someone, it’s probably not free.  So I lied.  BUT it WILL make me giggle.  I didn’t lie about that!
• I miss Tim Gunn, I haven’t seen him on TV in a while.  So for him I will say, ONE WORD: SUBLIME! 

Single.  It’s weird to think that I am single.  I’ve been doing really well with everything so far, which was nice.  I hadn’t felt too much anxiety or anything (other than the night we broke up) and I haven’t felt really completely devastated, just really really sad.  It’s weird how something small can trigger all that anxiety and devastation.

I was out with my friend Patricia the other night.  She’s really fun and she’s single.  So as I was telling her about everything she was like, “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m excited to have another single friend, we’re gonna have SO much fun this summer.”  I realize this was most likely suppossed to be uplifting, like yeah… single life= FUN!  Only I’m her friend and I know she doesn’t think it’s fun. 

Sure when you’re dating someone you sometimes think… I’ll never have another first date, first kiss, first feeling of falling in love.  But you forget how awful these things can be.  And I don’t even want to date.  Not even a little bit.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE!!  I don’t want to have to deal with all this crap again.  It’s been over 3 years since I’ve had to even think about things like this. 

It’s not just not wanting to be single, or not wanting to date anyone.  I just want to be taken by HIM.  They say some days are better than others.  This isn’t a good day.  It’s easy for people to say “his loss”, “tons of guys would love to go out with you”.  These are just words.  Where do you even find a guy you want to date?  When do you start feeling ready to date again?  When does it stop feeling like “cheating”?  And when do you stop picturing every date as a date with him?  I don’t know.  Probably not for quite a while.

I’ve also been fine on not calling him, it hasn’t been as hard as I imagined.  But last night the ONLY thing I wanted to do was call him.  Then I thought… “what would that accomplish?”  crying?  jealousy?  What is he was out, which is fine if he was, who really cares?  He can go out whenever and with whoever.  People like to think that if it’s so soon it’s an awful thing.  But the truth is, that person can start dating someone an hour after you break up and it’s none of your business or concern.

I listened to this song by The Used, called “on my own” and it probably kept me from calling him when I heard the phrase, “Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.”  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to know how he is, I really would.  I’m worried about him and how he’s doing in preparing for his boards and would like to make him laugh.  I hope he’s been laughing and not spending ALL his time studying (which is likely, because that’s all he does!!). 

I’m still OK.  Just having a rough moment.  When I think of ALL the affects of the break-up, I start freaking out and having aniety attacks.  I haven’t cried though!  Not since the day after.  So that’s one good thing!  And I’m adorable!  Two good things :)  I KNOW being single isn’t the end of the world.  It’s just weird when you haven’t been single in almost 4 years.  WOW!  Do I still know how to flirt?  (haha yes, I do, I’m a flirt, leave me alone).  I mean I did get hit on the other night…. BY A GIRL.  ahaha nice.  I was confused.  She said… hey, you’re gorgeous, and I’m single, just letting you know.  And I thought…. why is she letting me know?  THEN I got it when she rubbed my back in a more than… hey we’re friends way.  I awkwardly laughed then asked my friends if I looked like a lesbian.  They said no.  Just one more thing to worry about in this new single life.

I’m sure I’ll get used to it and it won’t cause me anxiety attacks soon.  But for the time being, it’s just weird and makes me feel a little nervous. 

Being the eternal optimist I am, I always have to look at the good things in everything.  During the break-up, I made us talk about things we WOULDN’T miss, so we wouldn’t focus on the “never gonna see each other, my heart is broken I want to sob like a baby” part :)  My obvious answer: I’ll never have to live in Detroit… NO let’s make that Michigan!  YEAH!  I cant think of very many more!  The fact that I thought this during this time might seem weird to most, but it was a way of comforting myself and him.

During a time like this, there’s not much people can do to comfort you.  Not that they don’t try.  I’ve gotten a lot of supportive emails, comments, phone calls, and hugs.  Andy and Zimm came downtown and took me out to sushi (which actually is pretty comforting… ahh sushi).  I bought ice cream (stereotypical girl break up comfort food)… but I’m not hungry since the break up, so it’s hard to even enjoy it.  You know it’s bad when you can’t enjoy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.  You lose your appetite and the ability to sleep soundly… which coincidentally, I never had, but it’s gotten worse. 

So what else can be a comfort???  TV and work DISTRACT me, but they don’t comfort me…. with the exception of Friends, which DOES comfort me, I love it.  A new Office tonight, yeah that helped me laugh.

So I looked up in the back of my bible the phrase: “What to read when you need comfort”.  CA-CHING!  Score!!  I need comfort!!!   But can I be honest?  The passages they give just have the word comfort a lot in them, they aren’t necassarily comforting.   So last night I got a little frustrated.  These passages aren’t comforting, Chocolate isn’t, emails aren’t (even though I love and appreciate them SO SO SO SO much), it’s just not bringing me peace and comfort when I’m so sad.

THEN, just as I was getting a little mad at god for not comforting me, I read this from Max Lucado’s Book 3:16.  He had just told a story about a son who basically ruined his dad’s career by being careless while driving and instead of yelling the dad hugged the kid and said, “son this is going to be okay.”  THEN this: 

“God is whispering the same to you.  Those are his arms you feel.  That is his voice you hear.  Believe him.  Allow the ONLY decision maker in the universe to comfort you.  Life at time appears to fall to pieces, seems irreparable.  BUT… it’s going to be okay.  How can you know?  Because God so loved the world.  And, since he has no needs, you cannot tire Him.  Since he is without age, you cannot lose Him.  Since he has no sin, you cannot corrupt Him.  If God can make a billion galaxies, can’t he make good out of our bad and sense out of our faltering lives?  OF COURSE HE CAN.  HE IS GOD!”

Guess what?  I feel comforted

Hello everyone! 

Well I am going through a lot of big changes in my life right now, which is why I am joining this little page.  To let everyone know how it;s going.

I’m really excited about change.  I know people like to be comfortable, but I really do enjoy a change.  Unfortunately, one of the biggest changes in my life as of recent has been losing my best friend in the entire world and awesome boyfriend.  That sounded like he died… he didn’t, we just broke up.  But I feel like he died.  We agreed not to talk, which makes it easier to get over him, but sad because so many stupid things happen in the day that no one else would care even a little bit, and he used to listen to them and comment regardless of how silly they were.  It’s only been a few days, and I’m doing OK.  The great thing is I have such AWESOME friends around here.  I swear, my boys out here have made sure to call, email, text, or take me out, everyday since then.  I love them to death and am so thankful they’re here.

The most difficult thing is not knowing how he is.  I’m much more worried about how he is doing.  I KNOW I will be OK.  I’ll be sad for a long time, but I will be OK.  And I think he will be too, but I won’t be there to make sure he is, and that is hard for me.  I care about him more than I can express.  I don’t know how you couldn’t with someone you’ve been with for the better part of 4 years.  The great thing is that I have absolutely NO bitterness, hatred, anything at all towards him.  I don’t want anyone to hate him in the least and it hurts me to see him hurt more than me hurting.  PLUS I don’t want him being distracted because his boards are soon!  So pray for him that he can stay focused, be happy, and do well.

It’s funny how when one change happens, a million more follow it.  I may be moving next year (or just in July actually).  It could be to a few different places.  One could just be a new area of the city, by myself.  Which I am excited about.  I’ve never lived by myself and I think it will be cool.  I may need to get a new job to afford it however!  Another option I’ve been looking into is moving to a completely different country.  I want to move to Italy.  Not forever, but for a little while.  A year maybe.  I’ve just started to think about it.  but it’s funny, the things “holding you back” have a funny way of dispearing all at once!  I don’t want to say Dane was holding me back.  I mean, I WANTED to stay here and be near him.  It wasn’t like I was dying to go and he wouldn’t let me.  It’s just, I’ve always wanted to travel.  When I was with him, my priorities shifted.  I wanted a future with him.  When that didn’t work out, I started thinking about traveling or living abroad again.  THEN another reason was leaving my roomate high and dry.  THEN she talked to me about wanting to move to the west side with another girl.  Which makes sense.  She works out there, goes to church out there, and loves it.  I wouldn’t move there if someone paid my rent for me.  So that’s out of the way too.  Then of course… MONEY and a JOB.  haha, always the big factors.  THAT is the part I’m looking into now.

I also am trying to run half a marathon (I’m not motivated enough to try for the full, haha).  I’m not sure if my ankle will be ready for it.  It sometimes still hurts, but i know a lot of my friends are doing it too.  Yeah!  Anyway… all this to say.  I am doing ok.  I will be fine.  I appreciate everyone’s love and concern for the situation.  I also want to say I am NOT sad that we “aren’t getting married”, or anything along those lines.  I’m very sad I’ve lost my greatest friend, who also happened to be my boyfriend.  Not getting married or having kids soon aren’t really a factors to my sadness.  Just him.  Someone who I care about.  I hope he’s OK.