Single
Single. It’s weird to think that I am single. I’ve been doing really well with everything so far, which was nice. I hadn’t felt too much anxiety or anything (other than the night we broke up) and I haven’t felt really completely devastated, just really really sad. It’s weird how something small can trigger all that anxiety and devastation.
I was out with my friend Patricia the other night. She’s really fun and she’s single. So as I was telling her about everything she was like, “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m excited to have another single friend, we’re gonna have SO much fun this summer.” I realize this was most likely suppossed to be uplifting, like yeah… single life= FUN! Only I’m her friend and I know she doesn’t think it’s fun.
Sure when you’re dating someone you sometimes think… I’ll never have another first date, first kiss, first feeling of falling in love. But you forget how awful these things can be. And I don’t even want to date. Not even a little bit. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE!! I don’t want to have to deal with all this crap again. It’s been over 3 years since I’ve had to even think about things like this.
It’s not just not wanting to be single, or not wanting to date anyone. I just want to be taken by HIM. They say some days are better than others. This isn’t a good day. It’s easy for people to say “his loss”, “tons of guys would love to go out with you”. These are just words. Where do you even find a guy you want to date? When do you start feeling ready to date again? When does it stop feeling like “cheating”? And when do you stop picturing every date as a date with him? I don’t know. Probably not for quite a while.
I’ve also been fine on not calling him, it hasn’t been as hard as I imagined. But last night the ONLY thing I wanted to do was call him. Then I thought… “what would that accomplish?” crying? jealousy? What is he was out, which is fine if he was, who really cares? He can go out whenever and with whoever. People like to think that if it’s so soon it’s an awful thing. But the truth is, that person can start dating someone an hour after you break up and it’s none of your business or concern.
I listened to this song by The Used, called “on my own” and it probably kept me from calling him when I heard the phrase, “Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.” I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to know how he is, I really would. I’m worried about him and how he’s doing in preparing for his boards and would like to make him laugh. I hope he’s been laughing and not spending ALL his time studying (which is likely, because that’s all he does!!).
I’m still OK. Just having a rough moment. When I think of ALL the affects of the break-up, I start freaking out and having aniety attacks. I haven’t cried though! Not since the day after. So that’s one good thing! And I’m adorable! Two good things :) I KNOW being single isn’t the end of the world. It’s just weird when you haven’t been single in almost 4 years. WOW! Do I still know how to flirt? (haha yes, I do, I’m a flirt, leave me alone). I mean I did get hit on the other night…. BY A GIRL. ahaha nice. I was confused. She said… hey, you’re gorgeous, and I’m single, just letting you know. And I thought…. why is she letting me know? THEN I got it when she rubbed my back in a more than… hey we’re friends way. I awkwardly laughed then asked my friends if I looked like a lesbian. They said no. Just one more thing to worry about in this new single life.
I’m sure I’ll get used to it and it won’t cause me anxiety attacks soon. But for the time being, it’s just weird and makes me feel a little nervous.
