Dear Life,

“God will not let you go.  He has handcuffed himself to you in love.  And he owns the only key.  You need not win his love.  You already have it.  And since you can’t win it, you can’t lose it.” (Another great quote from Max Lucado in 3:16… great book, read it)

Sooo…. my blog thingies are kinda depressing, huh?  Well guess what people, I’m a little depressed, so DEAL WITH IT!!  :)  But anyway, I think it’s just really hitting me this week.  I keep feeling extremely anxious and I don’t know how to explain it really….. just weird. 

I guess I’ll explain it be reffering to Friends (haha of course I will).  WELL Dane and I have kinda been on again off again a little bit throughout the years (yes I AM comparing us to Ross and Rachel).  And every other time it’s happened in my mind I’ve thought…. oh we’ll get back together, or this is just a short separation.  Now I KNOW it’s not and I’m freaking out.  Ross and Rachel, we are not.  Even though I am adorable, fashionable, and have great hair and a killer bod like Rachel…. and he is smart, slightly dweeby, and very cute like Ross… we are not them!  And now that I definitly know we’re not getting back together ever, I’m totally freaking out. 

My logical mind KNOWS it’s going to be OK and in the long run, it’s probably better (I can’t say definitely yet, because I’m not 100% sure it is).  But, come on, since when have I been logical?  SINCE NEVER that’s when!  So, my emotional side takes over and I convince myself he’s completely over me and dating other people already and I freak out.  THEN when I start to think more rationally, I know I’m thinking that way BECAUSE OF HIM!  Because HE’S the one who always told me to be more rational!  So then I think of him again and get anxious AGAIN, it’s really quite the vicious cycle.  I don’t know how to not be with him.  I’ve been with him for so long, it’s just weird and makes me panicky.

So anyway, I feel like I’ve lost some love and a part of myself.  It’s just too hard.  To go from thinking you’ll marry someone to not even talking to them with no in between whatsoever.  I can’t do it, it’s too hard!!  And I know I shouldn’t be, but I feel totally offended, upset, and insulted that he hasn’t called me at all.  Yes, even though we agreed not to talk, I still feel this way.  I mean, he didn’t even save my new number and that makes me angry.  I had it for like 3 weeks before we broke up, which keeps making me think he just knew he wouldn’t need it.  I know he cares, but why doesn’t he call?  (cause you told him not to, you idiot… that’s the logical part kicking in).  It’s going to be hard for me to think when I eventually date someone again that they won’t do the same thing.  I KNOW I’ll never lose the love from my family no matter what I do.  But I never thought I’d lose him, like REALLY lose him.  So I’m struggling with thinking I’ll just start losing people who mean so much to me.

BUT I KNOW I deserve love (I think everyone does actually).  And someone who really really loves me.  I think my girl Carrie Bradshaw said it best, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”   Here’s hoping I’ll find it someday.  Someday when I stop crying and getting anxiety attacks over another guy.

Since I am so depressing I thought I’d write some things that are a little more happy:

• The students in my class are the sweetest little peas ever.  I know it’s only the second week, but they all seem like such good students and SO nice and pay attention and participate.  I’m glad I don’t have any trouble makers, I couldn’t handle it right now.
• I was feeling yucky and sad today then I stopped at trader joe’s to pick up some stuff and was upset (yes to the point of tears, haha I was emotional) that they didn’t have baking powder (you read that correctly).  So I go to ring out and I’m all pissy and the cutie grocery check out guy starting flirting with me, awwww.  I wanted to hug him but that would have been awkward for everyone involved.  But it put a smile on my face!
• I got a post card sent to me house from this angel of a sales lady at Arden B, Lauren.  She asked me about my ankle (which I told her about when I said I could only wear flats) and told me how cute I looked in the jeans and top I bought (I do look freaking adorable in them if I do say so myself… which I always do, haha).  And to come back soon.  WELL!  I wasn’t going to, BUT NOW I WILL.  Well done with building a client base, Lauren.  You rule!
• Andy let me make him an online dating profile, haha.  (I’m pretty sure he only did it cause I was so sad)  But he doesn’t have access to it, only I do.  SO I AM CONTROLLING HIS LOVE LIFE!!  HAHA!  So these girls message him and I read them and laugh a lot.  Girls online are funny.  And by funny, I mean desperate.  And not cute.  And use blurry pictures to try to hide that they aren’t cute.  Except for 3 girls who were SO adorable.
• So in conclusion, if you want me to smile, let me make you an online dating profile.  haha it’s easy, free, and fun.  Except, it’s not as easy as one would think.  It took us like a good hour and by the end it wasn’t as fun.  And to get the people who actually care about meeting someone, it’s probably not free.  So I lied.  BUT it WILL make me giggle.  I didn’t lie about that!
• I miss Tim Gunn, I haven’t seen him on TV in a while.  So for him I will say, ONE WORD: SUBLIME!