Dear Life,

It’s been two weeks now!  I’m doing a lot better than when I wrote my last post.  There was a few days when I was ready to call.  Or at least text and then call.  I mean I wrote out the text, but I couldn’t send it.  This is when my stubbornness actually works for me.  Since we told each other we weren’t going to talk and I told some of my friends, I just CANNOT call him.  Even though I wanted to SOOOOO much (I can’t stress enough how much I wanted to call).  *DISTRACTION* Crunch-less abs looks AWESOME… there’s a commercial about it now.  I won’t buy it cause I won’t use it… but still it looks awesome.  *BACK TO NORMAL* So anyway… I could not for the life of me make myself send that text or make myself call him.  And I was upset because I want to talk to him.  BUT THEN I was talking to one of my guy friends who recently just broke up with his girlfriend.  And she kept calling and crying and saying, “I need to talk to you.”  And it just sounded so sad.  And I don’t want to be sad.

I also think it would be incredibly selfish of me to call him.  He’s trying to move on too.  It would be extremely inconsiderate and rude of me to call.  Earlier this week it was KILLING me to know how and what he was doing, and if he’s dating already.  NOW I’ve started thinking… ok, so what if he is dating again?  I said I wanted him to be happy… well I guess I should prove it.  It would be awful of me to call just to make myself feel better and prolong the entire “getting over it” process for BOTH of us.  I’m glad I didn’t call.  I do miss him.  But I kind of got over that hump where it seems like the worst thing in the world not talking to him or knowing what he is doing.  It’s like I got a mini-glimpse into the future where it stopped hurting and where I don’t think about him 30 times a day and it’s just totally OK.  And I’m getting there.  One day at a time.  I love this song I was listening to today by Nichole Nordeman… Small enough.  It’s how I’ve been feeling… “

there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel’s den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

I can’t depend on anyone else.  It’s amazing to have such incredible friends who have been there for me and have made sure to call, text, email everyday since the break-up.  But I KNOW the reason (besides my stubborness and Jonny asking me everyday) that I haven’t called him is because I’ve known what I just said is true, that it would be selfish to call and do no good.  And now I just have to depend on God.  Which, if I can be honest…. which I CAN cause it’s MY blog, it’s hard for me to completely depend solely on Him.  It’s something I’m learning about more everyday and something God is obviously wanting me to learn.  That’s what I love about that song.  We sometimes ask God for these HUGE things, that’s when we commonly pray the most.  But right now, I don’t need anything big.  I don’t need a huge miracle.  I just need to feel loved and comforted.  That’s all I want and all I ask him for and I love the thought of GOD holding me when I’m crying.  It’s such a cool thing to think about

Anyway, I’m doing good and thought I’d be more happy in my writing.  I also decided I was going to “review” books I’ve read.  Mostly just so everyone thinks I’m really smart and read a lot… until you read the name of the books, haha.  No, but seriously, I love to read and sometimes I want to tell everyone I know to read a certain book because I’m so in love with it.  And then sometimes i want to tell people to please not waste any time on one because it made me want to tear my hair out from boredom, but I kept reading THINKING and HOPING it would get interesting, but it didn’t.  And I don’t want any of you making that mistake.  I’ll do a few each entry.  Before I start, one of my new most favorite authors, Jennifer Lancaster, lives in CHICAGO!!!  And she’s going to be at a Borders near my house on May 6th for a her new book release/signing/book reading.  I AM BEYOND EXCITED!!!!  It’s like what normal people must feel like when they go backstage at concerts, or get autographs from celebrities.  Jennifer Lancaster IS my celebrity and I am counting down the days!!!! (so naturally I’ll start with her book)

Bitter is the new Black by Jennifer Lancaster:  A+

Jennifer Lancaster is my HERO.  She is SOOO wonderfully mean and bitchy and it KILLS me.  This book it a memoir about how her and her boyfriend (Then fiancee then hubby all in one book) got really rich in the whole dotcom era then lost it all.  And how she literally could not get  job for TWO YEARS!  And basically about how mean she is and how she used to be a spoiled brat.  She is HYSTERICAL.  She has a blog…http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/.  Go to it.  And laugh.  She’s awesome.  I’m in the middle of reading her second book, bright lights, big ass, I’ll let ya know how it is when I’m done… tomorrow probably hehe

Water for Elephants by: Sara Gruen… B+

This one only got a B+ because I expected a LITTLE more at that end.  With that being said, I adored the book.  It was compelling and I felt the lead character’s pain SO much and wanted to buy an elephant at the end of reading it!  It tries to be a little more “tricky” or “suprising” then it actually is.  It is a beautiful story and a really easy read, but still makes you think.  It’s about a man working in a circus, how he got there, what he learned there and a lot about relationships.  I reccomend it pretty highly!

The Kite Runner by: Khaled Hosseini A++ (I give more than one plus when I love it this much… SO?)

Amazing.  I never want to see this movie and ruin how beautiful, moving, amazing, and emotional this book was for me to read.  I never expected anything that happened in this book to happen.  I cried at least 4 times during this book.  The characters are brilliant and you feel SO MANY different emotions because you can see everything from all the character’s point of view.  I KNOW this movie will be dissapointing, but I PROMISE the book is not.  I almost hate to read books that are so hyped just because I’m afraid they won’t live up to it.  This one did and it is excellent, so read it immediately.

Applause of Heaven by Max Lucado (love him) A+ (times a million)

This is my FAVORITE book of ALL TIME.  I actually need a new copy because I bought a paper back and I’ve read it SO MANY times that it’s just falling apart.  I can probably quote most of the chapters.  Interestingly, I still love it just as much as I did the first time I read it EVERYTIME I read it.  I also cry in basically every chapter EVERY time I read it.  It’s so great.  It’s about the beautitudes and he goes over them so wonderfully and in a new light.  For the first time I really understood that passage fully.  Read it.  It will change the way you think.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is (a little teaser for you guys… kinda like a movie trailor) :”…. when I am criticized, injured, or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me.  There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark.   EVER.  And that’s enough.”   Amazing.  I just teared up, haha of course I did.  I could put at least 50 more quotes, so just read it so I don’t have to!

ALSO please give me reccomendations of books to read.  I LOVE READING!   I bought 7 books this week.  I get excited to read and I read like some people overeat.  Too fast and then it’s all gone and I have nothing left :(   I’d love to know what you love and read it!  Except you Art, because I feel as though your books will give me a headache :)