Dear Life,

Dear PETA,

You really piss me off.  You rant and rave about animals and throw blood on people wearing fur coats.  YOU MAKE NO SENSE!!!  You don’t want people to be violent… yet you throw fake blood at people and practically hiss at them.  And walk around naked.  “I’d rather be naked than wear fur”  NO YOU WOULD NOT!!!  That is a BOLD FACED LIE PETA!  I’d like to see you in the winter in Alaska naked…. while someone held a fur over your head.  You would ALL take the fur in about 4 seconds.  SURE it’s easy to say that in a WARM studio when you’re being photographed naked.  Or standing outside in LA in your underwear is a REAL challenge.  Congrats PETA. 

When I see you I want to do nothing more than buy the biggest, fattest, juiciest steak I can find (rare please) and eat it in front of you….. WHILE wearing a fur coat…. and leather pants…. and leather AND fur boots.  And maybe some foi gras on the side, since you crapped your pants over that food.  Which I’ve never had an interest in until now.  You make me want to eat meat and wear fur the way TRUTH commercials make me want to smoke (and I HATE smoking!). 

NOTE TO PETA:  Instead of fighting for the rights of ANIMALS…. how about you focus on the HOMELESS PERSON sitting next to you???  And comparing killing chickens to the Holocaust?  Really?  I mean…. really?  I’m sure the people who were in the concentration camps weren’t offended AT ALL by being compared to CHICKENS.  CHICKENS PEOPLE!!!  Think about how stupid you look and sound.  It’s not good PETA.  I’d like to be friends, I really would.  But you’re gonna have to stop pissing me off first.

Your meat-eating, fur-wearing friend,

Jessica

Dear men over 40 in Chicago,

Stop hitting on me.  I am 25…. I will not date a 40 year old.  UNLESS it’s Bruce Willis, John Locke, or Jack Bauer.  The thing that disturbs me the most about this new occurance is that I don’t even look 25.  I maybe look 21.  I got carded for an R-rated movie a little while ago.  Soo…. this begs me to ask this question…. WHY ON EARTH would you hit on a girl who looks like she MIGHT be under 18… and OK most people don’t think that, but most people DO think I’m under 21.  What in the world would YOU, a 40 year old man have in common with a 20 year old??!?!?!

I think there’s only one reason you want to go out with me, and it is NOT the stimulating conversation (which you would actually get) but the hope of getting into the pants (which you FOR SURE would NOT get).  I’m sure you’re nice men.  And i hear 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30.  So I guess 40 is the new 20.  That still doesn’t mean I’ll date you, you old silver fox, you.  Also, asking me to “pound” your fist DOES NOT… I repeat… DOES NOT make you young.  It makes me giggle and laugh about you when you leave, but it doesn’t make you appear any younger.  It actually ages you quite a bit.  It’s like when your parents try and use “slang” and it makes them sound 10 years older.

Hit on women your own age.  I’m sure they would appreciate it, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of 40 year olds these days that look a HECK of a lot better than some 20 year olds (myself included).  So, middle age men in Chicago, I know it’s summer and I know the festivals, beach trips, and eating outside times are upon us and this can make you a little frisky.  BUT let’s put the brakes on the mid-life crisis and stop hitting on me and the other 20-something year olds.  I’m sure we’d all appreciate it.  UNless you look like Big from Sex and the City.  Then we will date you.

Respectfully,

Jessica