I’m TOTALLY a size 4!!!
Dear male H&M employee (the one on Michigan Ave),
You made my entire week with a few simple words. As I was checking out a dress in your hand you were putting back, you said, “Oh look, we have it in your size, here’s a 4!!” I feel like the world stopped at that moment. You can imagine my elation. Yeah, I’m not an 8 in H&M, I’m a 4!!! You totally cut my size in HALF! I felt like a skinny supermodel that I pretend to hate, but I was secretly excited. WELL… actually not secretly, since I screeched, “Oh my God, I love you”. Then gave you a big hug. I also proceeded to walk around H&M saying very loudly, “I’m a size 4…. size 4’s can wear this, and THAT is what I am.”
I am not in ANY way, shape, or form a size 4. I want everyone to know that. And I’m cool with that. I’m actually borderline cocky about myself. I think I’m totally fabulous and love every curve of my body. I adore when my butt looks big (which is why I purchased the adorable sweater dress…. size 8, thank you!). But what I love, is that even though I am not a size 4…. you THINK I am a size 4. And isn’t that what REALLY matters??? I now feel like I can continue to chow because I LOOK like a size 4. Who even cares what size I really am? NOT ME!
If this was a plan to make me buy something…. brilliant. I don’t even care if it was cause I was so happy. I don’t know of any girls who dont like to be told they are thinner (or younger for that matter) than they are. And you did that for me. And I love you. You should totally win best sales associate of the year. Thanks for making my week and making me feel more fabulous than I already do! And this after I just chowed on 10 cent wings (really, 10 cents!!! The Rail in Chicago on Monday nights, check it out, best deal EVER).
Your skinny size 4 friend,
Jessica 
Twitter? Huh???
Dear Twitter,
I don’t know who you are or what you do. Who are you? Why are you used? Why are you called Twitter? You are confusing to me. At first, I didn’t want to say anything since all the cool blog kids know who are you, what you do, and how to use you. I didn’t want to seem uncool or like I don’t fit in. But tonight I thought, “The jig is up…. WHAT ARE YOU TWITTER??!?!!?”
I know a few things about you: 1. I like your name, it makes me giggle. Mostly because if you remove the “w” you become titter, and THAT is funny. 2. You are used on people’s websites to “update” what they are doing. I keep seeing these words: via twitter. How do I get a twitter? Can anyone have one? Is a twitter a perverted body part? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
How come everyone else knows you, twitter, and I have no idea?!?! I’m tired of pretending. I’ll be honest, at first I thought you were a thing only used on iphones and I automatically hated you. Now I feel bad, because my beloved cousins Amy and Meade (if I knew how to make a link to their website just by posting their names I totally would… but just go to the side and hit “doxxa” that’s them) also had those words “via twitter” on their facebook AND their website, and they don’t have an iphone!! It’s not just Art (same problem as before… he’s the long name under Doxxa) who has an iphone. THEN I saw LIZZY (once again… the last name) had Via Twitter on her status update (again no iphone). WHY CAN’T I USE VIA TWITTER?!?! I feel like you are some club I don’t know about. It hurts my feelings. I want to be invited to a “via twitter” event.
The other thing is, I’m FAIRLY positive Meade explained to Artie about you while I was sitting in the living room. BUT how was I to know I should pay attention to you and not play bejeweled on my computer? I only laughed at the name in my head then didn’t listen. Now I wish I did. Because I still have no idea what you are and I feel left out. I wish I was cool enough to hang out with you twitter. Until then, I’ll just be laughing at your name and wondering what you are and how I can get one of you.
Via,
Jessica
