Dear Life,

Dear people traveling by plane,

I decided to do like one of my favorite magazines, Glamour, and make a list of DO’s and DON’T’s for you guys… since it has become VERY clear to me that most of you are in the dark on how to travel…. and be decent human beings.

DO: Shower.  It’s easy.  If it’s an early flight, shower the night before.  At the very least wash down a little with a wash cloth.  Slap on some deodarant (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…this part is VITAL), dab on a LITTLE perfume/cologne and head out the door.  It’s easy and not time consuming. 

DONT: Take off your shoes.  Really?? Is this your living room or is it public flight with 100 other people?!?!  It’s one thing if you have flip flops on in the summer and they kinda slide off… it is QUITE another when you have on gross yellow (used to be white) sweaty socks with sneakers that you’ve kicked off.  Why should I have to smell that?  Why should anyone on the plane?  Get it together.

DO: Check in online if you are flying southwest and want a certain seat.

DONT: not check in online, come in last on the plane and ask me to move so you can sit with your husband/daughter/whoever.  This puts me in an awkward position.  If I don’t move I have a pissy person next to me who will keep turning around and talking to her husband who she just CANNOT live without for 2.5 hours on a flight.  if I move, I’m in a middle seat.  I DID check in online and wanted an aisle seat b/c I have to pee a lot during flights.  If you are traveling with more than one person WHY WOULDNT YOU CHECK IN ONLINE?!?!  Especially when there isnt’ assigned seating.  Which reminds me, if you’re stupid enough not to think to check in online, DONT ask someone else who was much smarter than you and DID check in online to move.  It’s rude.

DO: Wear normal clothes.  Not fleece pajama pants.  We are not in your bedroom.  The rest of us got up and put on clothes and look normal.  Why couldn’t you?  If you are over the age of 7, pajamas on a plane is innapropriate.  And while we are it no exercise clothes.  Are you going to start doing sprints down the aisles and doing crunches in your seats?  Probably not.  Yoga pants=for yoga… nothing else.

DONT: wear a turban on a plane.  Self-explanatory.

DO: Give your child a valium.  Kids are the worst on planes.  I mean, they’re already kinda annoying, then when they start screeching, it’s unbearable.  Drug them.  Please.  If you MUST take them with you, it’s the kindest thing to do for the rest of us on the plane.  If you’re against drugging your child, put a little whiskey in their bottle.  Never hurt anyone.  While we’re at it.  Please stop your child from staring at me.  This forces me to do one of the following:1. Ignore a kid… which makes me feel rude and I can still feel them staring. 2. Make stupid faces at them… I feel stupid doing them and the dumb kid never tires of it.  It’s annoying.  Tell your creepy kid to stop looking at me.  This is a chance for a good life lesson: STARING IS RUDE!

DONT: Start talking to me when I’m reading/trying to sleep/listening to my ipod, or not looking at you.  Take the hint: I’m not interested in talking to you.  If I nod and smile and say hello when I sit down, it’s just because I’m a decent person.  It’s not because I want to know if you’re from where you’re flying to or from.  I don’t want to know why you’re going there/who you’re visiting, or anything else.  And I don’t want to tell you all about my business when you ask.  Let’s face facts, I’ll never see or hear from you again, so let’s just skip all the formalities and let me get on with what I was doing before I was interrupted by YOU.

DO: Purchase 2 seats if you can’t fit into one.  I know, I know, this sounds harsh and is probabaly not very “politically correct” to say.  However, if YOU had to sit between 2 people who BOTH should have bought 2 seats for themselves and they BOTH insisted on putting up the arm rests cause “it’s much more comfortable” (hint: couldn’t fit in the seat if arm rests weren’t up) and you left the plane with sweat marks down both your legs from their excess….weight… you wouldn’t be happy and would want people to abide by this rule.  Do I think they should make airplane seats bigger?  YES!  Absolutely!  But until they do… at LEAST buy first class.  Or complain to the airline.  Don’t punish me, I didn’t do anything.

Now, if you all abide by these common laws, I think flying will be a much better experience for everyone involved.  Thank you in advance for your cooperation!

Flying can be fun,

Jessica

PS. I drank 2 diet cokes while writing this