New Apartment Neighbors!
Dear guys living in the apartment above mine,
I’ll start off by saying, I’ve been living here for a month and I don’t even think I’ve seen you once. However that hasn’t prohibited me from learning a few things about you. How did I learn them, you ask?!?! Through the blessing/curse of thin ceilings and vents, naturally!!
The first thing I know is that there’s at least 2 of you up there. Maybe 3, I don’t know,I can never be sure since I haven’t ever see you. I will admit, my dear upstairs neighbors, that I thought you guys were lame and boring since I hardly ever heard you do anything. THEN you had an EXTREMELY loud party on a Thursday night that went until about 3 AM. Which is totally fine, I wasn’t mad and I’m not gonna hate. I go out every Thursday also. IN fact I didn’t even get home til almost 1 that night (and it’s Thursday and I’m going out again… kareoke anyone?!?!). My only gripe was: Why wasn’t I invited?!?! I don’t really care if you’ve never met me. I live below you. If you’re going to have a loud crazy party into the late hours of the night, the decent thing to do is to invite me so you don’t keep me up alone in my apt wondering why I didn’t get invited to the party upstairs. Not meeting me is NOT a valid excuse. I’m a fun girl, I love parties so invite me!!
Another fun tidbit I’ve learned from living below you: You boys love to sing. Loudly. Really loudly. And not normal songs. The first time I heard singing I was confused. Then I heard you belt out “CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER” by Creed. You can imagine my suprise at hearing this song. Why Creed?!?! Does anyone seriously like them? It’s not 2001, Creed is over. I had literally forgotten about that song as well as the band. THEN I heard you sing something that made my heart over-fill. You started singing classical opera songs… and HARMONIZING together. When I heard this I clearly went right over to the vent on my ceiling and listened while giggling with unbridled glee. What happened next is what made me love you, as well as caused confusion. As you were harmonizing (beautifully, I must say) one of you stopped and told the other one they had the wrong note and sang the correct one. This caused me to have so many questions. I had previously thought you were some guys who liked to belt out Creed once in awhile (I have to say again.. WHY CREED?!?!). Then when I heard the harmonizing, I got utterly confused. Are you two roomies who love to sing together? Do you frequent different kareoke nights and like to pratice? Are you in a theatre group? Do you have your own showtunes choir? Do you have BBM? Twitter? Facebook? Are you a gay couple? I DON’T KNOW!!!
You can see I have so many questions and so little answers. I’d really like to meet you so I can get some answers. So come on downstairs and meet me. If you don’t you’ll force me to do one of the following: Go into the laundry room whenever I think I hear someone then start an awkward conversation about laundry detergent 2. Jump out of my apartment as fast as I possibly can when Ihear footsteps coming down the front steps and yell SUPRISE. I’ve tried both of these, and as you know (since we haven’t met) they have been wildy unsuccessful!
Hoping to meet you soon,
Your non-lyrically talented downstairs neighbor, Jessica 
PS. WHY CREED?!?!!?
My Crackberry
Dear Blackberry Curve,
I never thought I could love a phone so much. You were really out to prove me wrong, weren’t you, you sexy minx?!?! I wasn’t expecting to even get you, you came to me as a suprise gift. And you DID suprise me, in so many ways. I had always said “all I need on a phone is a vibrate setting, an alarm clock, and text messaging.” Then you came along and showed me that I was being a HUGE LIAR!!! There are so many things about you that I didn’t even know I wanted in a phone and now I can’t imagine living without them! Here are some examples:
BBM. For those of you not in the know…. or who are lame and opted for the less popular smart phone, the iphone… that stands for blackberry messanger. And it rules. It’s so much more fun than text messanging. Why would I even bother to text anyone anymore?!?! (Well, because not everyone has a fancy blackberry like you, that’s why) It’s like instant messanging FROM YOUR MOBILE PHONE!! It brings me back to the college/high school days that were spent sitting around the computer talking to friends online. Except it’s AT LEAST double the fun cause it’s from your phone and you don’t have to be at home in front of a computer, you can be ANYWHERE! A few more fun things about bbm: the symbols/icons you can use. You can send thumbs up or down, actual yellow smiley faces, kisses, and a heart. HOW FUN. You may not use these too often… in fact if you do, please stop, excessie symbols really makes them less special. But once in a while that thumbs up really speaks volumes and it s fun suprise to see! And (this may be my favorite part) you can tell exactly when the message is delivered AND when the person reads this. If you are a total creeper, like I am, you can tell when people read your messages then, if they don’t respond, you can bbm them more with creepy things like”I know you read that, I can tell, BBM ME BACK IMMEDIATELY!!” It’s real fun to creep people out… thanks bbm!
Brickbreaker. This feature alone has changed my life. Seriously. This game has kept me up late at nights, kept me from being bored waiting in lines, and has been an excellent distraction when I’m alone and trying to pretend I’m looking at you to prevent weird men from talking to me. I also like to brag to my friends about my high scores. Brickbreaker frustrates me when I lose and makes me happy when I win. The ONLY bad thing about this is that, for people like me, who MAY just drop you on a regular basis and cause the battery to come out, it doesn’t save your progress and you have to start a NEW game ALL over. This sucks because 2 weeks ago I has over 500,000 points with 94 lives. And now I am sad I lost that score simply because I dropped my phone at a cubs game and the battery popped out! I still love this feature you have and will forever be trying to achieve the score I once had.
Facebook. It’s simply not enough to only have facebook when I’m at home. JUST BECAUSE I don’t have a desk job, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to check my facebook at random times throughout the day. You, my love, have made this task possible for me. In fact, facebook is right on the front home screen and I love it. I can now check everyone’s “status updates” and creepily stalk all my “friends” more accurately throughout the day. I couldn’t effectively do this without you, so I am grateful (some of my “friends” on facebook are not!).
Yahoo email (or any e-mail account really). I can check my email without connecting to the internet and paying the ridiculous fees. And the many random emails I get throughout the day have been brilliant excuses for getting out of really awkward conversations. All it takes it a small glance at you when you vibrate, a sigh, shrug, then “gotta check this, it might be from my boss” and then walk away. Perfection
There are still many other things I adore about you. The fact that I can download “apps” from the “blackberry app store”. I mean, I don’t do this cause it kind of confuses me, but I love the fact that if I ever stop being lazy and lame and learn how to do it, I CAN. Many people don’t even have a phone that gives them that option like YOU do! I realize it should bother me that my smartphone is smarter than I am, but it doesn’t. I’m just proud to own something as smart and amazing as you are. You really have earned your nickname “crackberry”. Congratulations!
Wishing I was writing this blog post on you instead of my computer,
Jessica
PS. I forgot, unlike the “NEW AND IMPROVED “iphone, you can actually send and recieve picture mail. You’re way better, don’t even worry about it.
Bachelor/Bachlorette…You Blow!
Dear producers of the Bachelor/Bachlorette shows,
The jig is up. We know you’re fake. Your show is so ridiculous and over-produced, it’s taken out all the romance. I can’t really blame you completely. You are 100% sure that even though only ONE couple out of at least 15 worked, people will still watch. Since no one even remotely cares whether these “couples” stay together, why wouldn’t you make it as stupid and over the top as possible? We, as dumb, careless, mindless consumers, will still watch it. And when the couple INEVITABLY breaks off their enagagement or wedding, no one will even bat an eye, because it’s happened SO MANY TIMES before. I’m convinced you sit there and create these “scenerios” trying to one up each other while laughing together and seeing how many people you can fool. WELL YOU AREN’T FOOLING ME!!
Let’s take this past week for example: Jillian (or Gillian? who cares!) and Ed climb into a FOUNTAIN to MAKE OUT. How queer. NO ONE would do that, NO ONE. Not even me, and I love doing weird crap. In the middle of Spain?!?! No wonder people from other countries hate Americans. Stop making out in their fountains. You could even tell they were kinda trying not to laugh about it in the fountain. Plus Ed lives in the Chi and told people EVERYTHING they do the producers make them. Well obviously.
And don’t get me started on Jason, the last bachelor. You used his kid so much during the season it bordered on child abuse. And I AM SORRY but you CANNOT be so overjoyed EVERY SINGLE TIME you see your son that you run and tackle him and burst into tears. NOTE TO PRODUCERS: it was cute ONCE on the bachlorette, ONCE. When he hasn’t seen his kid in 3 days and is doing it, it’s annoying and using his kid to get female viewers. Smart, on your part from a ratings aspect, but completely pathetic on his part.
I guess I can’t even blame you for this, since you have people who are WILLING to go through this to be on TV for “love”. REALLY? You can’t get a date? Seriously? I can go out tonight and have a date for tomorrow, it’s not that hard. They don’t cast ugly people, so you’re probably cute if you go on the show… get yourself a date! Men… ASK GIRLS OUT. Women… men aren’t particularly hard, just go out and smile at one. If he doesn’t ask you out, give him your card. It’s really not difficult. Also.. if you’re “too shy” to go up to people when you’re out… YOU SHOULD BE TOO SHY TO BE ON TV, Idiot!
And what’s with “having to get engaged” by the end of the show? You know who was my favorite? Well, I guess it’s a tie. Brad cause he dumped both of them and Bob cause he was just like…. “uhhh let’s see where this goes”. It wasn’t romantic, but it WAS realistic. You know why they don’t work out? Because YOU ARE ON THE REBOUND from 24 other people. Seriously, when you get engaged you have just dumped another person before that. You know what’s the absolute LAST thing I want to do after I dump a guy? GET ENGAGED! I want to cry and eat ice cream and get over him before promising a lifetime to another person.
Here’s some things I would change/rules I would make if I were the Bachlorette:
1. No engagement at the end. In fact anyone who says I love you after 4 dates while I’m dating 3 other guys, gets dumped. You don’t love me. Seriously. I’m dating 3 other people and we’ve known each other 3 weeks. Settle down cowboy.
2. No fantasy suites… I will not sleep with you, in ANY sense of the word on national television. I’m not a whore. My dad is watching this!!!
3. No more saying the phrase”alone time” it makes me want to vomit. I hate so much when they interview people and they say “I got alone time with her!” You know what “alone time” is in the normal world? A DATE.
4. No ball gowns. Jeans and casual outfits please!! When do you ever wear ball gowns in real life? they’re not even flattering (on me anyway). I’m short.
5. No random shots of me oiling up in my bikini and no hot tob scenes. You know how often REAL people go in hot tubs? I can’t remember the last time I did and my parents have one at their house. Please get over the obsession with hot tubs, it’s unhealthy.
6. No more 2 on 1 dates. or roses on 1 on 1 dates. I know why this goes on. So you can have that awkward shot of the person leaving in the most inconvienent and humiliating mode of transportation you can think of when they don’t get the rose, but it’s stupid. And we know they’re not really that sad since it obviously took 5 different camera angles to get, so probably about half an hour to shoot.
7. No more making up songs contests. In fact, anyone singing/rapping to me in any form is grounds for immediate dismissial. No questions will be asked.
8. You should shoot it in the person’s hometown. Then maybe ,JUST MAYBE ,they’d have a better chance of working out since it’s not all over the top romantic dates but as “real life” as you can get it. I’d film mine in Chicago and make everyone go to cubbies games, eat Chicago hot dogs, watch arrested development, eat chipotle, and ride the el. Would it make for great TV? Probably not, but I bet it’d make for a better relationship AND ISNT THAT WHAT YOUR SHOWS ABOUT?!?!
9. No more Chris Hanson. How lazy is that dude?? Your only job is to say “this is the final rose”. You are useless. Instead of him, I’m bringing my sister Jenny. Sure I’d try to pass some of the guys off to her and we’d get distracted and laugh a lot at nothing, all the while trying to convince people to put us on The Amazing Race, but still she’d be a better sounding board than a guy who couldn’t care less about who I end up with. (Also Jenny would pee her pants saying “this is the final rose” She’d totally throw a DUH in at the end or ask why I kept a certain guy haha… that’s good TV).
10. Any guy who strips down to his underwear and jumps in the pool gets kicked off. Again, no questions asked. I don’t care if you have a hot body. If I want to see it, I’ll ask you to take off your shirt, believe me, I will.
Please take these things into careful consideration and your show may not be doomed to be as fake and maybe the couples might end up actually caring about each other. One thing I wouldn’t change: the free wardrobe you clearly give people on the show. Actually that’s reason enough for me to go on it.
The most DRAMATIC conclusion to a letter YET,
Jessica Boulet
