Dear Life,

Dear producers of the Bachelor/Bachlorette shows,

The jig is up.  We know you’re fake.  Your show is so ridiculous and over-produced, it’s taken out all the romance.  I can’t really blame you completely.  You are 100% sure that even though only ONE couple out of at least 15 worked, people will still watch.  Since no one even remotely cares whether these “couples” stay together, why wouldn’t you make it as stupid and over the top as possible?  We, as dumb, careless, mindless consumers, will still watch it.  And when the couple INEVITABLY breaks off their enagagement or wedding, no one will even bat an eye, because it’s happened SO MANY TIMES before.  I’m convinced you sit there and create these “scenerios” trying to one up each other while laughing together and seeing how many people you can fool.  WELL YOU AREN’T FOOLING ME!! 

Let’s take this past week for example: Jillian (or Gillian?  who cares!) and Ed climb into a FOUNTAIN to MAKE OUT.  How queer.  NO ONE would do that, NO ONE.  Not even me, and I love doing weird crap.  In the middle of Spain?!?!  No wonder people from other countries hate Americans.  Stop making out in their fountains.  You could even tell they were kinda trying not to laugh about it in the fountain.  Plus Ed lives in the Chi and told people EVERYTHING they do the producers make them.  Well obviously. 

And don’t get me started on Jason, the last bachelor.  You used his kid so much during the season it bordered on child abuse.  And I AM SORRY but you CANNOT be so overjoyed EVERY SINGLE TIME you see your son that you run and tackle him and burst into tears.  NOTE TO PRODUCERS: it was cute ONCE on the bachlorette, ONCE.  When he hasn’t seen his kid in 3 days and is doing it, it’s annoying and using his kid to get female viewers.  Smart, on your part from a ratings aspect, but completely pathetic on his part.

I guess I can’t even blame you for this, since you have people who are WILLING to go through this to be on TV for “love”.  REALLY?  You can’t get a date?  Seriously?  I can go out tonight and have a date for tomorrow, it’s not that hard.  They don’t cast ugly people, so you’re probably cute if you go on the show… get yourself a date!  Men… ASK GIRLS OUT.  Women… men aren’t particularly hard, just go out and smile at one.  If he doesn’t ask you out, give him your card.  It’s really not difficult.  Also.. if you’re “too shy” to go up to people when you’re out… YOU SHOULD BE TOO SHY TO BE ON TV, Idiot!

And what’s with “having to get engaged” by the end of the show?  You know who was my favorite?  Well, I guess it’s a tie.  Brad cause he dumped both of them and Bob cause he was just like…. “uhhh let’s see where this goes”.  It wasn’t romantic, but it WAS realistic.  You know why they don’t work out?  Because YOU ARE ON THE REBOUND from 24 other people.  Seriously, when you get engaged you have just dumped another person before that.  You know what’s the absolute LAST thing I want to do after I dump a guy?  GET ENGAGED!  I want to cry and eat ice cream and get over him before promising a lifetime to another person. 

Here’s some things I would change/rules I would make if I were the Bachlorette:

1. No engagement at the end.  In fact anyone who says I love you after 4 dates while I’m dating 3 other guys, gets dumped.  You don’t love me.  Seriously.  I’m dating 3 other people and we’ve known each other 3 weeks.  Settle down cowboy.

2. No fantasy suites… I will not sleep with you, in ANY sense of the word on national television.  I’m not a whore.  My dad is watching this!!!

3. No  more saying the phrase”alone time”  it makes me want to vomit.  I hate so much when they interview people and they say “I got alone time with her!”  You know what “alone time” is in the normal world?  A DATE. 

4. No ball gowns.  Jeans and casual outfits please!!  When do you ever wear ball gowns in real life?  they’re not even flattering (on me anyway).  I’m short. 

5. No random shots of me oiling up in my bikini and no hot tob scenes.  You know how often REAL people go in hot tubs?  I can’t remember the last time I did and my parents have one at their house.  Please get over the obsession with hot tubs, it’s unhealthy.

6. No more 2 on 1 dates.  or roses on 1 on 1 dates.  I know why this goes on.  So you can have that awkward shot of the person leaving in the most inconvienent and humiliating mode of transportation you can think of when they don’t get the rose, but it’s stupid.  And we know they’re not really that sad since it obviously took 5 different camera angles to get, so probably about half an hour to shoot.

7. No more making up songs contests.  In fact, anyone singing/rapping to me in any form is grounds for immediate dismissial.  No questions will be asked.

8. You should shoot it in the person’s hometown.  Then maybe ,JUST MAYBE ,they’d have a better chance of working out since it’s not all over the top romantic dates but as “real life” as you can get it.  I’d film mine in  Chicago and make everyone go to cubbies games, eat Chicago hot dogs, watch arrested development, eat chipotle, and ride the el.  Would it make for great TV?  Probably not, but I bet it’d make for a better relationship AND ISNT THAT WHAT YOUR SHOWS ABOUT?!?!

9. No more Chris Hanson.  How lazy is that dude??  Your only job is to say “this is the final rose”.  You are useless.  Instead of him, I’m bringing my sister Jenny.  Sure I’d try to pass some of the guys off to her and we’d get distracted and laugh a lot at nothing, all the while trying to convince people to put us on The Amazing Race, but still she’d be a better sounding board than a guy who couldn’t care less about who I end up with. (Also Jenny would pee her pants saying “this is the final rose”  She’d totally throw a DUH in at the end or ask why I kept a certain guy haha… that’s good TV).

10.  Any guy who strips down to his underwear and jumps in the pool gets kicked off.  Again, no questions asked.  I don’t care if you have a hot body.  If I want to see it, I’ll ask you to take off your shirt, believe me, I will. 

Please take these things into careful consideration and your show may not be doomed to be as fake and maybe the couples might end up actually caring about each other.  One thing I wouldn’t change: the free wardrobe you clearly give people on the show.  Actually that’s reason enough for me to go on it.

The most DRAMATIC conclusion to a letter YET,

Jessica Boulet