Dear Life,

Dear boys in general,

I would love to go on dates with you.  If you remember some things.  I have a face, so stop staring at the twins and take a gander at it.  And please try and remember my hair color.  I do NOT have blonde hair… not even a little bit.  So if you think I do, you probably didn’t pay close enough attention at all.  Let’s remember things that are NOT compliments:

1. “You have big boobs”….. ummmm thanks captain obvious, I appreciate that.

2. Anything you say with the F word in it.  Really?  I’m a lady, knock that language off around me!

3. “Let’s hook up now” I realize this may have sounded sexy in your head.  It makes girls feel like prostitutes and like we’re being used.  Not good boys, not good.

SO let’s remember our manners boys!  It’s summer, more girls are showing more skin, I get it.  But calm it down a bit!  Act like a man, not a sex-crazed teen.  We’d love it.

Thanks,

Jessica

Dear asparagus,

You really DO make pee smell funny.  Huh.  Weird.

Enlightened,

Jessica

So there’s a lot of stupid stuff going on right now.  Unfortunately for me, I am not able to be as calm and rational about things as the rest of my family… so I decided to just not comment on any of it, because I will undoubtedly make it worse, cause that’s what I do

So I decided to say what’s on my “to read” list and then more books I’ve read and reviews on them!  YAY!

TO READ LIST:

1.  I am actually READING “The true and outstanding adventures of the Hunt Sisters”  (Weird Jen, but I was reading it when you left that comment!!  I got it cause it was about sisters too!!).  And I must agree…. I’ve put it down a few times and started a new book… haha and I don’t put books down either… so not the BEST sign!

2. I also started reading… “driving sideways” by Jess Riley.  It’s SO good so far.  I picked it up A. because it’s half off and B.  My hero and author, Jen Lancaster, reccommended it on her website!

3.  The Wonder Spot By Melissa Bank

4. My friend Leonard By James Frey (even though I KNOW he lied about it… GOT IT OPRAH!… his books are still SOOOO capturing and easy to read)
5.The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by: Diane Chamberlain… on sale at target and the description reminded me of a book I read and loved.

6. The Lost by: Daniel Mendelsohn.  ONLY $2.50 at a half price book store… AWESOME… and any book Elie Wiesel says is good is fine by me.

7. Last seen Leaving by: Kelly Braffet… it was only $2… haha so I got it@

8.  The Diplomat’s Wife By: Pam Jenoff… it sounded SO interesting and different… so i got it cause it was half off!

9. My Best Friend’s Girl by: Dorothy Koomson.  Honestly… loved the cover.  I completely judge books by their covers… and I’m usually right

10.  The Bright Forever By: Lee Martin  It was a pultzer prize finalist for fiction… also the back reminded me of a book by one of my favorite authors too

And that’s all on the TO READ.  I bought all these books within the past week, haha I got excited.  Plus a lot of them were half off… so what was I suppossed to do?!?!

Ok now some more book reviews… because I haven’t even reviewed a fourth of the books I’ve read!!!

Night- Elie Wiesel- A +

Since I mentioned him earlier, I thought I’d go over his book first.  Phenomenal.  One of my favorite books.  BUT not in the way that the Applause of Heaven is my favorite… I’d read that one over and over.  This one I had a hard time reading because you KNOW the whole time he actually went through this.  It’s not a very long book… but it feels like it lasts for years because you just want it to be over for him.  I cried pretty much the entire way through it, but that’s what I love about it.  A book that makes you feel something real.

The Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold- A +

Also one of my favorite books.  I think what it says on the back is so true:  This book begins with more horror than you can imagine but closes with more beauty you can hope for.”  I almost wanted to stop after ready the first chapter… it’s horrifying… one of the worst things I can ever imagine happening to anyone (it’s clearly not a true story… but still).  But then it unfolds and ends so beautifully.  You won’t be able to put it down.  It’s amazing.  Oh and they’re making this into a movie.  Which…. I don’t know.  Read the book… I dont think a movie could capture 1/4 of the emotion the book does.

Love Walked In- Marisa de los Santos- B+

I love the way this woman writes.  It’s so interesting to read.  I liked this book.  There were times when I was like… blah… about it.  And it’s not what I expected it to be.  AT all.  Which is what I enjoyed so much about it.  I expected one thing… then another thing…. then another thing…. and got something completely different, yet more awesome that what I expected!  I’d for sure read more books from this author.

Such a Pretty Fat- Jen Lancaster- A

Ahhh I love her.  I met her when I bought this book and she signed it and the other 2 books of hers I have.  She is EXACTLY how you would think she is by reading her books.  She is SOOO funny, sincere, sweet, and freking adorable.  Her book is about her being fat with a high self-esteem.  It’s SO hysterical.  It starts because a guy on the bus calls her “a fat bitch” and she just laughed and said… like I’ve never heard that before… then realized something’s wrong if she doesn’t get offended.  Then that’s when she starts writing the book.  She’s seriously awesome.  And her husband was adorable and so enamored with her at her reading then stayed at talked to all her fans and wanted to take us all out for drinks, haha awww!! 

Love the One you’re with- Emily Giffin- B

I was SOOOOO excited for this book.  I LOVE Emily Giffin.  her first 2 books, something borrowed and something blue are ADORABLE.  They made me laugh and cry.  And then her 3rd book was also so good.  (Although I missed the characters of the first 2 books).  I like the way it ended… after a while.  At first I was kind of like… huh?  I enjoyed it and it’s an easy read.  I still think her first 2 books have been the best.  But I also think I’m being unfair cause I was SOOO excited for this… so I put a lot of pressure and expectations on the book!  I pre-ordered it like 2 months earlier THAT is how excited I was… so to be completely honest, it let me down a little bit.  I still liked it and read it in about 2 days.. I just wanted a little more and I didn’t get it!

Remember Me? -Sophie Kinsella- A +

I would read ANYTHING…. I repeat, ANYTHING by Sophie Kinsella.  She is hands down, the funniest writer ever.  Every single book I’ve read by her I’ve wanted to be the character in it.  She writes the FUNNIEST characters.  She is the writer of the confessions of a shopoholic series… which is awesome, every one of them.  Awesome.  But I’m getting side-tracked.  NOW here’s the difference between her book and Emily’s one above this.  I was JUST AS excited about this book and also ordered it online and it SURPASSED my expectations.  It’s hysterical and sweet.  It’s about a girl who gets in an accident and wakes up and doesn’t remember anything that happened in the past 3 years.  So she’s confused how she became who she is and doesn’t like it.  It reminded me of a movie I saw…Regarding Henry, but more awesome and way funnier.  I SERIOUSLY wanted to get in an accident and lose my memory.  I mean… if a book can make you WANT something like that…. it’s probably a good book.  * SIDE NOTE* I JUST read that they’re making a shopoholic movie… with Isla Fisher as Becky… who is actually EXACTLY who I would cast.  It will be cute… like the devil wears prada was cute.  I’ll let you know when it comes out how it was

Can you Keep a Secret- Sophie Kinsella- A+

While I was reviewing her newest book I read, I remembered how much I LOVED this one.  LOVED LOVED LOVED.  I’ve actually put aside NEW books to re-read this one… and I don’t do that often!  I re-read books, of course, but it;s usually when I’ve foolishly spent all my money and can’t buy any new books (or I ran out of room on my book shelves…. which has happened).  But it is so cute, the lead… again I wanted to work in a crappy news room and have my parents like my cousin better (which they actually might, haha).  But it’s about how she tells this guy all her secrets on a plane when she thinks it’s about to crash… and he ends up being the guy who owns her company.  It’s pretty hysterical.  I laughed out loud a TON of times while reading it… every single time I read it!

The Spellman Files-Lisa Lutz- B

I did NOT expect to like this as much as I did.  Partly because I only went into the store to by another Ken Follet book… and it was $4.99… so i got it.  And loved it.  “Harriet the spy for grown-ups”.  It’s about a family who are private detectives and how this has effected their lives.  The lead character killed me because she would call random guys she saw… “future ex-boyfriend #11″  I thought it was so funny… not future boyfriend… future ex boyfriend, haha.  She’s not an optimistic and her mind is so funny (the lead character’s mind).  Kind of dark, but still funny.  A good, easy, fun read.

Sooo I could go on for another 10 pages… but I’ll stop and save some more for later :)  Ok.. and I’ll let you know how all the books I’ve been reading are when I’m done!

Picking a favorite book to me is like asking normal people to pick a favorite song or movie.  I can’t do it.  But my MOST favorites are:

*The bible… I just bought a new one!

* Applause of Heaven

* ALL The Harry Potters (I miss you Harry Potter!!)

* Can you Keep a Secret?

*Night

* Pillars of the Earth AND a world’s End

* A Thousand Splendid Suns

* To Kill a mockingbird (I’m with ya Jen, makes me cry everytime!)

* Little Women (OF COURSE)

* The Lovely Bones

* Something Borrowed and Something Blue

* All Jen Lancaster books

*1984 (I hated it while reading it… but years later the book still comes back to me and intrigues me.. I recently bought a collector’s copy… I feel it;s a book you NEED to have… along with to kill a mockingbird, little women, catcher in the rye, and a tree grows in brooklyn… classics)

Everyone READ!  It’s awesome!!  I love it SOOO much.  Most nights I’d rather stay in and read than go out.  So read, it takes your mind off of things and transports you to another world for just a little while

OH and Im LISTENING to some books on itunes (I drive a lot).. The last Lecture and the 5 people you meet in heaven.  I’m on the last lecture…. and i had to stop cause I was practically sobbing while listening to it in my ipod on the el :)  Then I had to stop while driving because I was crying and the tears were compromising my vision!!!  But I WILL finish listening to it soon!

Dear PETA,

You really piss me off.  You rant and rave about animals and throw blood on people wearing fur coats.  YOU MAKE NO SENSE!!!  You don’t want people to be violent… yet you throw fake blood at people and practically hiss at them.  And walk around naked.  “I’d rather be naked than wear fur”  NO YOU WOULD NOT!!!  That is a BOLD FACED LIE PETA!  I’d like to see you in the winter in Alaska naked…. while someone held a fur over your head.  You would ALL take the fur in about 4 seconds.  SURE it’s easy to say that in a WARM studio when you’re being photographed naked.  Or standing outside in LA in your underwear is a REAL challenge.  Congrats PETA. 

When I see you I want to do nothing more than buy the biggest, fattest, juiciest steak I can find (rare please) and eat it in front of you….. WHILE wearing a fur coat…. and leather pants…. and leather AND fur boots.  And maybe some foi gras on the side, since you crapped your pants over that food.  Which I’ve never had an interest in until now.  You make me want to eat meat and wear fur the way TRUTH commercials make me want to smoke (and I HATE smoking!). 

NOTE TO PETA:  Instead of fighting for the rights of ANIMALS…. how about you focus on the HOMELESS PERSON sitting next to you???  And comparing killing chickens to the Holocaust?  Really?  I mean…. really?  I’m sure the people who were in the concentration camps weren’t offended AT ALL by being compared to CHICKENS.  CHICKENS PEOPLE!!!  Think about how stupid you look and sound.  It’s not good PETA.  I’d like to be friends, I really would.  But you’re gonna have to stop pissing me off first.

Your meat-eating, fur-wearing friend,

Jessica

Dear men over 40 in Chicago,

Stop hitting on me.  I am 25…. I will not date a 40 year old.  UNLESS it’s Bruce Willis, John Locke, or Jack Bauer.  The thing that disturbs me the most about this new occurance is that I don’t even look 25.  I maybe look 21.  I got carded for an R-rated movie a little while ago.  Soo…. this begs me to ask this question…. WHY ON EARTH would you hit on a girl who looks like she MIGHT be under 18… and OK most people don’t think that, but most people DO think I’m under 21.  What in the world would YOU, a 40 year old man have in common with a 20 year old??!?!?!

I think there’s only one reason you want to go out with me, and it is NOT the stimulating conversation (which you would actually get) but the hope of getting into the pants (which you FOR SURE would NOT get).  I’m sure you’re nice men.  And i hear 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30.  So I guess 40 is the new 20.  That still doesn’t mean I’ll date you, you old silver fox, you.  Also, asking me to “pound” your fist DOES NOT… I repeat… DOES NOT make you young.  It makes me giggle and laugh about you when you leave, but it doesn’t make you appear any younger.  It actually ages you quite a bit.  It’s like when your parents try and use “slang” and it makes them sound 10 years older.

Hit on women your own age.  I’m sure they would appreciate it, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of 40 year olds these days that look a HECK of a lot better than some 20 year olds (myself included).  So, middle age men in Chicago, I know it’s summer and I know the festivals, beach trips, and eating outside times are upon us and this can make you a little frisky.  BUT let’s put the brakes on the mid-life crisis and stop hitting on me and the other 20-something year olds.  I’m sure we’d all appreciate it.  UNless you look like Big from Sex and the City.  Then we will date you.

Respectfully,

Jessica

Dear Chicago,

I love you.  I really truly do.  At every season or at any temperature I love you, I cannot stess this point enough.  However, I must admit I despise your inability to choose a season and stick with it.  I mean… it’s almost June.  Let’s just stick with summer, how about it Chicago??  I DO appreciate the 80 degree weather over this past memorial day weekend.  What I do NOT appreciate is how the next day i woke up and had to put on a thick coat and actually had a NEED for the scarf I rock everyday.  What’s up with this?  I really hate to be a brat, but this is NOT OK. 

I would really appreciate if this was fixed ASAP.  It’s been in the 70’s… let’s keep this up until fall, OK?  Because I love you, Chicago.  And i would really hate to start disliking you over something so silly as the weather. 

With LOTS of love,

Jessica

Dear Guitar Hero,

I’m sorry I said I hated you.  I don’t hate you, not at all.  I only disliked you because I didn’t know how fun you could be.  I only said I hated you because you took 97 hours of everyone else’s time.  I wanted to hang out!  Laugh!  Play board Games!  Play the Wii!  But no, YOU made that impossible.  So I lashed out and decided to hate you. 

However, this weekend… I realized I don’t hate you at all.  I actually really enjoy your company.  Sure, listening to “Cherry Pie” 3,000 times over Christmas wasn’t a good time at all.  Especially when the people suck (sorry guys… except Matt) and miss a lot of notes.  But i didn’t appreciate your greatness.  Yesterday, I had a break through.  I missed more notes in a few songs than they did all Christmas break… but I still had a lot of fun.  WHICH destroys everyone’s theories that I need to win to have fun.  I did not win once.  I actually didn’t even come somewhat close once.  But I did enjoy myself…. with you guitar hero.  So once again, I’m sorry.  I don’t hate you.  You’re a lot of fun and a great guy!

Sincerely,

Jessica “your sweet cherry pie”

So my adorable awesome sister sent me a card (via mom) that when you open it sings “I will survive” by my girl Aretha.  Which, by the way, I think has gotten MANY a woman through rough breakups

Inside this card she wrote 5 Boulet rules to live by.  And they made me laugh so much I thought I would share them really quick.  Before I start, I need to say that both my sister and I have extremely high self-esteems and think we’re awesome.  That sounds cocky… and it probably is but IT’S STILL TRUE!  So we like to joke (well we tell people we’re joking… we’re really serious) about how fabulous we are.  That may explain these:

1. You always look amazing
2. You are always the prettiest girl in every room
3. You don’t walk…. you STRUT
4. You always hold your head up high… and we are not ditzy, we are brilliant
5. We are always funny, NO MATTER WHAT!

Ahhhh this killed me to no end.  I don’t think anyone else really gets our “we’re awesome and hot” jokes.  But what’s important is that WE do and WE think it’s hilarious :)  The funny thing is I got her a card thing that I’m sending home with my momma for her birthday that says, “We put the US in fabulous!”.   I love my sister, she is so funny and SO cute and has the best hair EVER. 

I just wanted to share because this was so funny to me.  And to also remind everyone to have good self-esteems because God created us ALL FABULOUS

Sooo I was told by one of my friends that my blogs were the “saddest things I’ve ever read, especially since you’re such a happy person.”  (Hey Bri!  Thanks ).  Soooo I decided I’m going to be more happy.  And i honestly am happy.  The thing is, I’m always happy, I kinda feel like I HAVE to be.  I don’t like being sad or being mean, so naturally I CHOOSE to be happy.  Because I do think it’s something you choose, not something you are.  So if you’re sad and mean, you’re totally just choosing to be that way.  Which is sad in itself. 

SO happy thoughts!  I’m doing really well.  I REALLY AM.  I know it sounds like I’m doing awful, but I’m really not.  I laugh just as much, I hang out with my friends just as much, and I say just as many stupid off the wall things.  I mean, I’ve been through this before, and I’ve gotten through it fine and now we’re friends and it’s all good.  It was literally heart-wrenching and hideous for a long time, but now its ok.  And thinking about that gives me hope and makes me more OK.  haha I read back over my blogs and they are sad.  haha SORRY KIDS

I have to insert here that I just don’t like Sayesha from American Idol.  She’s good and all, but i just think she’s annoying and hope she gets kicked off… even though she did good.  I was SO happy today for this one reason: I got my new In Style magazine today!!!  The BEST gifts are magazine subscriptions in my opinion.  Because EVERY month I get SOOO excited it’s like getting a new gift!  Christmas every month!!  WEEEE!!

So Ruthie baby (my momma) is coming in this weekend!  YEAH!  And we’re going to see…. WICKED of course!  I love this musical SO much, almost as much as I love Cubs games (but not quite, GO CUBS GO!).  But seriously, if anyone ever wants to go to a Cubs game, let me know, I am ALWAYS down for going to Wrigley!!  So today I kept thinking about how much I love my pretty city.  I know I always say this, and it’s because I REALLY REALLY do!  I don’t know if I can still call it a “love affair” because I’m not dating anyone now.  BUT I guess you can only have an affair if you’re married, so I’m still gonna call it one because it sounds more fun.  My new favorite author, Jen Lancaster, at the end of her book talked about why she loved Chicago and I LOVED how she put it :
” I realize Chicago is  great city not because it’s glamorous, but because it’s REAL… People come from all over the world to live here, and each of them firs right in without missing a step.  The beauty of this city is not that it’s exclusive, but that’s it’s inclusive.”

I love this city and I love that I live here.  I still want to travel and live in Italy for a while, but probably not as soon as August, haha which I realized was quite sudden.  Plus I just really love it here so much.  I almost don’t have any idea why anyone would want to live anywhere else.  Plus we have the Cubs!  (screw the white sox!  Boo south side!)  And DA BEARS.  And you can get fat here if you want and no one will even blink, I mean think of DA BEARS Saturday night live skit… try and say that about Los Angeles or even NYC, you can’t!!  So thanks Chicago, you’re awesome. 

I actually went on a nice little walk tonight with my roommate up to Lincoln Square (which made me pose this question about 10 times… “why don’t we hang out here more often it is SO cute?!?!”  IT IS!).  It was GLORIOUS out tonight and we got cold stone ice cream!  yay!  But it was so nice and so pretty and I love Chicago this time of year!!  And I am GOING to hang out in Lincoln Square more cause it’s SO nice!!

I’d also like to say I’ve fallen in love again.  It was quite sudden.  I should also mention at this point I’ve never met this man.  But that doesn’t make my love any less real.  His name is Matt and he is on beauty and the geek.  He has the thickest glasses I’ve ever seen in my life that they didn’t remove in the makeover (which I LOVED!!).  He is the SWEETEST angel.  I mean he loves to snuggle, he’s so adorably dweeby I want to die.  But some hoe is getting all up on him in this next episode and I am NOT HAVING IT!  He is MINE

Ok more wonderful book reviews:

Bright Lights, Big Ass  by: Jen Lancaster A+

I loved this one too, of course.  This lady is hysterical.  Her books are just her thoughts basically and what happens in her life, which is so funny because she is so funny.  I can’t wait to meet her!  I’m already planning an outfit, THAT is how excited I am :)   I also insisted on reading at lest 4 parts of her book out loud to my roommate and I was laughing so hard it took me about 10 minutes to read 2 pages.  Let’s just say it included the phrase “reach around” and her mom.  Classic.

A Thousand Splendid Suns By: Khaled Hosseini A+

Even better than The Kite Runner.  I loved it so much.  I can’t even begin to think about it or I will cry.  I think I actually screamed out loud during this book and cried when something happened because I felt their pain THAT much!!  This time the story is of two woman and how they very unlikely become the greatest of friends in such an awful horrendous situation.  Read it now.

Pillars of the Earth- Ken Follett- A

I know, I know this was in Oprah’s book club which makes some people hate on it.  But let’s face the facts people, it’s an EXCELLENT book.  It’s SO wonderfully long (I LOVE long books because I can’t EVER read enough and I get so attached to the characters I want to read about them for days, but I usually finish books in like one day, but this one took me about 4 days!  Woo-hoo!).  There’s about 1.000 characters in it and you don’t have ANY idea what the prologue is about until the very end!  I was confused for a little bit because it’s written about a time period a long time ago (forget the exact time period, sorry).  But it is very good!  I should also say that one night I decided to “read just for a little bit before bed”  2 things you must know about me immediately are: 1.  I don’t sleep well AT all…. EVER.  2.  Sleeping does not make me tired IN THE LEAST!…. ok so moving on.  I started to read at about 11:30, then what i thought was a little while later, I checked the clock.  It was 5:50 AM.  And I didn’t even realize I’d been reading the book for 6 hours.  THAT is how awesome this book is!

Wicked by Gregory Maguire: C

Go see the musical instead, it’s about 9,000 times better.  That being said let’s talk about the book.  It starts out SOOOOOO slow.  I literally had to FORCE myself to read it.  Maguire writes really intensely and really raw.  There’s A LOT of sex (not romance book sex, like weird sex no one wants to think about EVER) in this book… which is funny b/c the musical is SO family friendly and awesome.  Also it was confusing.  I read one chapter of the book seriously 5 times and was so frustrated bc I didn’t get it still, so I continued reading.  But at the end, I did like it OK.  I didn’t love it but it helped me understand the characters better when I saw the musical.  Don’t read it unless you don’t have anything else to read and have time to read each chapter twice.  It took me like 3 weeks to read it, and it usually never takes me more than 2 days to read a book… so yeah not that great, but not awful either.

The Devil Wears Prada by: Lauren Weisberger: A

So great.  SOOOO much better than the movie (as books usually are).  but I do have to say the movie was pretty good, but the book is still SOOO much better.  They go into MUCH more depth about her dive into this fashion assistant world and in the movie they completely cut out her family and Lily!  I mean they’re in a few scenes but they are HUGE aspects in the book.  Plus the ending in the book is PERFECT.  I mean when it ended I thought… wow what a perfect ending, I love it.  The ending to the movie was OK.  But if you like to read books that are pretty easy reads but still have a cute moral to it, then go for it.  It’s not for everyone.  Artie and Meade will not appreciate this.  Liz you will! 

Ok well I hope I’m being happier for everyone :)  I really am doing well and moving on pretty well.  I also want to see Baby’s Momma, The sarah marshall movie, and made of honor.  So if anyone will be in the Chicagoland area and wants to see one of these call me!  Or else I’ll just read more books!

It’s been two weeks now!  I’m doing a lot better than when I wrote my last post.  There was a few days when I was ready to call.  Or at least text and then call.  I mean I wrote out the text, but I couldn’t send it.  This is when my stubbornness actually works for me.  Since we told each other we weren’t going to talk and I told some of my friends, I just CANNOT call him.  Even though I wanted to SOOOOO much (I can’t stress enough how much I wanted to call).  *DISTRACTION* Crunch-less abs looks AWESOME… there’s a commercial about it now.  I won’t buy it cause I won’t use it… but still it looks awesome.  *BACK TO NORMAL* So anyway… I could not for the life of me make myself send that text or make myself call him.  And I was upset because I want to talk to him.  BUT THEN I was talking to one of my guy friends who recently just broke up with his girlfriend.  And she kept calling and crying and saying, “I need to talk to you.”  And it just sounded so sad.  And I don’t want to be sad.

I also think it would be incredibly selfish of me to call him.  He’s trying to move on too.  It would be extremely inconsiderate and rude of me to call.  Earlier this week it was KILLING me to know how and what he was doing, and if he’s dating already.  NOW I’ve started thinking… ok, so what if he is dating again?  I said I wanted him to be happy… well I guess I should prove it.  It would be awful of me to call just to make myself feel better and prolong the entire “getting over it” process for BOTH of us.  I’m glad I didn’t call.  I do miss him.  But I kind of got over that hump where it seems like the worst thing in the world not talking to him or knowing what he is doing.  It’s like I got a mini-glimpse into the future where it stopped hurting and where I don’t think about him 30 times a day and it’s just totally OK.  And I’m getting there.  One day at a time.  I love this song I was listening to today by Nichole Nordeman… Small enough.  It’s how I’ve been feeling… “

there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel’s den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

I can’t depend on anyone else.  It’s amazing to have such incredible friends who have been there for me and have made sure to call, text, email everyday since the break-up.  But I KNOW the reason (besides my stubborness and Jonny asking me everyday) that I haven’t called him is because I’ve known what I just said is true, that it would be selfish to call and do no good.  And now I just have to depend on God.  Which, if I can be honest…. which I CAN cause it’s MY blog, it’s hard for me to completely depend solely on Him.  It’s something I’m learning about more everyday and something God is obviously wanting me to learn.  That’s what I love about that song.  We sometimes ask God for these HUGE things, that’s when we commonly pray the most.  But right now, I don’t need anything big.  I don’t need a huge miracle.  I just need to feel loved and comforted.  That’s all I want and all I ask him for and I love the thought of GOD holding me when I’m crying.  It’s such a cool thing to think about

Anyway, I’m doing good and thought I’d be more happy in my writing.  I also decided I was going to “review” books I’ve read.  Mostly just so everyone thinks I’m really smart and read a lot… until you read the name of the books, haha.  No, but seriously, I love to read and sometimes I want to tell everyone I know to read a certain book because I’m so in love with it.  And then sometimes i want to tell people to please not waste any time on one because it made me want to tear my hair out from boredom, but I kept reading THINKING and HOPING it would get interesting, but it didn’t.  And I don’t want any of you making that mistake.  I’ll do a few each entry.  Before I start, one of my new most favorite authors, Jennifer Lancaster, lives in CHICAGO!!!  And she’s going to be at a Borders near my house on May 6th for a her new book release/signing/book reading.  I AM BEYOND EXCITED!!!!  It’s like what normal people must feel like when they go backstage at concerts, or get autographs from celebrities.  Jennifer Lancaster IS my celebrity and I am counting down the days!!!! (so naturally I’ll start with her book)

Bitter is the new Black by Jennifer Lancaster:  A+

Jennifer Lancaster is my HERO.  She is SOOO wonderfully mean and bitchy and it KILLS me.  This book it a memoir about how her and her boyfriend (Then fiancee then hubby all in one book) got really rich in the whole dotcom era then lost it all.  And how she literally could not get  job for TWO YEARS!  And basically about how mean she is and how she used to be a spoiled brat.  She is HYSTERICAL.  She has a blog…http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/.  Go to it.  And laugh.  She’s awesome.  I’m in the middle of reading her second book, bright lights, big ass, I’ll let ya know how it is when I’m done… tomorrow probably hehe

Water for Elephants by: Sara Gruen… B+

This one only got a B+ because I expected a LITTLE more at that end.  With that being said, I adored the book.  It was compelling and I felt the lead character’s pain SO much and wanted to buy an elephant at the end of reading it!  It tries to be a little more “tricky” or “suprising” then it actually is.  It is a beautiful story and a really easy read, but still makes you think.  It’s about a man working in a circus, how he got there, what he learned there and a lot about relationships.  I reccomend it pretty highly!

The Kite Runner by: Khaled Hosseini A++ (I give more than one plus when I love it this much… SO?)

Amazing.  I never want to see this movie and ruin how beautiful, moving, amazing, and emotional this book was for me to read.  I never expected anything that happened in this book to happen.  I cried at least 4 times during this book.  The characters are brilliant and you feel SO MANY different emotions because you can see everything from all the character’s point of view.  I KNOW this movie will be dissapointing, but I PROMISE the book is not.  I almost hate to read books that are so hyped just because I’m afraid they won’t live up to it.  This one did and it is excellent, so read it immediately.

Applause of Heaven by Max Lucado (love him) A+ (times a million)

This is my FAVORITE book of ALL TIME.  I actually need a new copy because I bought a paper back and I’ve read it SO MANY times that it’s just falling apart.  I can probably quote most of the chapters.  Interestingly, I still love it just as much as I did the first time I read it EVERYTIME I read it.  I also cry in basically every chapter EVERY time I read it.  It’s so great.  It’s about the beautitudes and he goes over them so wonderfully and in a new light.  For the first time I really understood that passage fully.  Read it.  It will change the way you think.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is (a little teaser for you guys… kinda like a movie trailor) :”…. when I am criticized, injured, or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me.  There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark.   EVER.  And that’s enough.”   Amazing.  I just teared up, haha of course I did.  I could put at least 50 more quotes, so just read it so I don’t have to!

ALSO please give me reccomendations of books to read.  I LOVE READING!   I bought 7 books this week.  I get excited to read and I read like some people overeat.  Too fast and then it’s all gone and I have nothing left :(   I’d love to know what you love and read it!  Except you Art, because I feel as though your books will give me a headache :) 

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“God will not let you go.  He has handcuffed himself to you in love.  And he owns the only key.  You need not win his love.  You already have it.  And since you can’t win it, you can’t lose it.” (Another great quote from Max Lucado in 3:16… great book, read it)

Sooo…. my blog thingies are kinda depressing, huh?  Well guess what people, I’m a little depressed, so DEAL WITH IT!!  :)  But anyway, I think it’s just really hitting me this week.  I keep feeling extremely anxious and I don’t know how to explain it really….. just weird. 

I guess I’ll explain it be reffering to Friends (haha of course I will).  WELL Dane and I have kinda been on again off again a little bit throughout the years (yes I AM comparing us to Ross and Rachel).  And every other time it’s happened in my mind I’ve thought…. oh we’ll get back together, or this is just a short separation.  Now I KNOW it’s not and I’m freaking out.  Ross and Rachel, we are not.  Even though I am adorable, fashionable, and have great hair and a killer bod like Rachel…. and he is smart, slightly dweeby, and very cute like Ross… we are not them!  And now that I definitly know we’re not getting back together ever, I’m totally freaking out. 

My logical mind KNOWS it’s going to be OK and in the long run, it’s probably better (I can’t say definitely yet, because I’m not 100% sure it is).  But, come on, since when have I been logical?  SINCE NEVER that’s when!  So, my emotional side takes over and I convince myself he’s completely over me and dating other people already and I freak out.  THEN when I start to think more rationally, I know I’m thinking that way BECAUSE OF HIM!  Because HE’S the one who always told me to be more rational!  So then I think of him again and get anxious AGAIN, it’s really quite the vicious cycle.  I don’t know how to not be with him.  I’ve been with him for so long, it’s just weird and makes me panicky.

So anyway, I feel like I’ve lost some love and a part of myself.  It’s just too hard.  To go from thinking you’ll marry someone to not even talking to them with no in between whatsoever.  I can’t do it, it’s too hard!!  And I know I shouldn’t be, but I feel totally offended, upset, and insulted that he hasn’t called me at all.  Yes, even though we agreed not to talk, I still feel this way.  I mean, he didn’t even save my new number and that makes me angry.  I had it for like 3 weeks before we broke up, which keeps making me think he just knew he wouldn’t need it.  I know he cares, but why doesn’t he call?  (cause you told him not to, you idiot… that’s the logical part kicking in).  It’s going to be hard for me to think when I eventually date someone again that they won’t do the same thing.  I KNOW I’ll never lose the love from my family no matter what I do.  But I never thought I’d lose him, like REALLY lose him.  So I’m struggling with thinking I’ll just start losing people who mean so much to me.

BUT I KNOW I deserve love (I think everyone does actually).  And someone who really really loves me.  I think my girl Carrie Bradshaw said it best, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”   Here’s hoping I’ll find it someday.  Someday when I stop crying and getting anxiety attacks over another guy.

Since I am so depressing I thought I’d write some things that are a little more happy:

• The students in my class are the sweetest little peas ever.  I know it’s only the second week, but they all seem like such good students and SO nice and pay attention and participate.  I’m glad I don’t have any trouble makers, I couldn’t handle it right now.
• I was feeling yucky and sad today then I stopped at trader joe’s to pick up some stuff and was upset (yes to the point of tears, haha I was emotional) that they didn’t have baking powder (you read that correctly).  So I go to ring out and I’m all pissy and the cutie grocery check out guy starting flirting with me, awwww.  I wanted to hug him but that would have been awkward for everyone involved.  But it put a smile on my face!
• I got a post card sent to me house from this angel of a sales lady at Arden B, Lauren.  She asked me about my ankle (which I told her about when I said I could only wear flats) and told me how cute I looked in the jeans and top I bought (I do look freaking adorable in them if I do say so myself… which I always do, haha).  And to come back soon.  WELL!  I wasn’t going to, BUT NOW I WILL.  Well done with building a client base, Lauren.  You rule!
• Andy let me make him an online dating profile, haha.  (I’m pretty sure he only did it cause I was so sad)  But he doesn’t have access to it, only I do.  SO I AM CONTROLLING HIS LOVE LIFE!!  HAHA!  So these girls message him and I read them and laugh a lot.  Girls online are funny.  And by funny, I mean desperate.  And not cute.  And use blurry pictures to try to hide that they aren’t cute.  Except for 3 girls who were SO adorable.
• So in conclusion, if you want me to smile, let me make you an online dating profile.  haha it’s easy, free, and fun.  Except, it’s not as easy as one would think.  It took us like a good hour and by the end it wasn’t as fun.  And to get the people who actually care about meeting someone, it’s probably not free.  So I lied.  BUT it WILL make me giggle.  I didn’t lie about that!
• I miss Tim Gunn, I haven’t seen him on TV in a while.  So for him I will say, ONE WORD: SUBLIME! 

Single.  It’s weird to think that I am single.  I’ve been doing really well with everything so far, which was nice.  I hadn’t felt too much anxiety or anything (other than the night we broke up) and I haven’t felt really completely devastated, just really really sad.  It’s weird how something small can trigger all that anxiety and devastation.

I was out with my friend Patricia the other night.  She’s really fun and she’s single.  So as I was telling her about everything she was like, “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m excited to have another single friend, we’re gonna have SO much fun this summer.”  I realize this was most likely suppossed to be uplifting, like yeah… single life= FUN!  Only I’m her friend and I know she doesn’t think it’s fun. 

Sure when you’re dating someone you sometimes think… I’ll never have another first date, first kiss, first feeling of falling in love.  But you forget how awful these things can be.  And I don’t even want to date.  Not even a little bit.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE!!  I don’t want to have to deal with all this crap again.  It’s been over 3 years since I’ve had to even think about things like this. 

It’s not just not wanting to be single, or not wanting to date anyone.  I just want to be taken by HIM.  They say some days are better than others.  This isn’t a good day.  It’s easy for people to say “his loss”, “tons of guys would love to go out with you”.  These are just words.  Where do you even find a guy you want to date?  When do you start feeling ready to date again?  When does it stop feeling like “cheating”?  And when do you stop picturing every date as a date with him?  I don’t know.  Probably not for quite a while.

I’ve also been fine on not calling him, it hasn’t been as hard as I imagined.  But last night the ONLY thing I wanted to do was call him.  Then I thought… “what would that accomplish?”  crying?  jealousy?  What is he was out, which is fine if he was, who really cares?  He can go out whenever and with whoever.  People like to think that if it’s so soon it’s an awful thing.  But the truth is, that person can start dating someone an hour after you break up and it’s none of your business or concern.

I listened to this song by The Used, called “on my own” and it probably kept me from calling him when I heard the phrase, “Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all.”  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to know how he is, I really would.  I’m worried about him and how he’s doing in preparing for his boards and would like to make him laugh.  I hope he’s been laughing and not spending ALL his time studying (which is likely, because that’s all he does!!). 

I’m still OK.  Just having a rough moment.  When I think of ALL the affects of the break-up, I start freaking out and having aniety attacks.  I haven’t cried though!  Not since the day after.  So that’s one good thing!  And I’m adorable!  Two good things :)  I KNOW being single isn’t the end of the world.  It’s just weird when you haven’t been single in almost 4 years.  WOW!  Do I still know how to flirt?  (haha yes, I do, I’m a flirt, leave me alone).  I mean I did get hit on the other night…. BY A GIRL.  ahaha nice.  I was confused.  She said… hey, you’re gorgeous, and I’m single, just letting you know.  And I thought…. why is she letting me know?  THEN I got it when she rubbed my back in a more than… hey we’re friends way.  I awkwardly laughed then asked my friends if I looked like a lesbian.  They said no.  Just one more thing to worry about in this new single life.

I’m sure I’ll get used to it and it won’t cause me anxiety attacks soon.  But for the time being, it’s just weird and makes me feel a little nervous. 

Being the eternal optimist I am, I always have to look at the good things in everything.  During the break-up, I made us talk about things we WOULDN’T miss, so we wouldn’t focus on the “never gonna see each other, my heart is broken I want to sob like a baby” part :)  My obvious answer: I’ll never have to live in Detroit… NO let’s make that Michigan!  YEAH!  I cant think of very many more!  The fact that I thought this during this time might seem weird to most, but it was a way of comforting myself and him.

During a time like this, there’s not much people can do to comfort you.  Not that they don’t try.  I’ve gotten a lot of supportive emails, comments, phone calls, and hugs.  Andy and Zimm came downtown and took me out to sushi (which actually is pretty comforting… ahh sushi).  I bought ice cream (stereotypical girl break up comfort food)… but I’m not hungry since the break up, so it’s hard to even enjoy it.  You know it’s bad when you can’t enjoy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.  You lose your appetite and the ability to sleep soundly… which coincidentally, I never had, but it’s gotten worse. 

So what else can be a comfort???  TV and work DISTRACT me, but they don’t comfort me…. with the exception of Friends, which DOES comfort me, I love it.  A new Office tonight, yeah that helped me laugh.

So I looked up in the back of my bible the phrase: “What to read when you need comfort”.  CA-CHING!  Score!!  I need comfort!!!   But can I be honest?  The passages they give just have the word comfort a lot in them, they aren’t necassarily comforting.   So last night I got a little frustrated.  These passages aren’t comforting, Chocolate isn’t, emails aren’t (even though I love and appreciate them SO SO SO SO much), it’s just not bringing me peace and comfort when I’m so sad.

THEN, just as I was getting a little mad at god for not comforting me, I read this from Max Lucado’s Book 3:16.  He had just told a story about a son who basically ruined his dad’s career by being careless while driving and instead of yelling the dad hugged the kid and said, “son this is going to be okay.”  THEN this: 

“God is whispering the same to you.  Those are his arms you feel.  That is his voice you hear.  Believe him.  Allow the ONLY decision maker in the universe to comfort you.  Life at time appears to fall to pieces, seems irreparable.  BUT… it’s going to be okay.  How can you know?  Because God so loved the world.  And, since he has no needs, you cannot tire Him.  Since he is without age, you cannot lose Him.  Since he has no sin, you cannot corrupt Him.  If God can make a billion galaxies, can’t he make good out of our bad and sense out of our faltering lives?  OF COURSE HE CAN.  HE IS GOD!”

Guess what?  I feel comforted